New York — In a candid monologue with Crossburner Weekly, President-elect Donald Rump divulged that he is considering running for the position of Pope.
“I’ve been doing such an incredible job since my fantastic election,” Trump said, “that the country is already great again. So I’m bored. Fantastically bored. So I’m looking around for other things that I can make great again. Like the Papacy. Or Saturday Night Live.”
Rump stated that he would be “a fantastic pontiff. I look great in white. Nobody looks better in white than I do. I come home from the office and put on my Klan robes and I look totally papal, the most papal ever. White is my best color.”
The POTUS-elect did not believe that being married and a non-Catholic would be an impediment to his winning the papacy. “I wasn’t qualified to be President either,” Rump asserted, “and it didn’t change things a bit. People want change and I can deliver it. We’re going to have way better-looking nuns. Fantastic, supermodel nuns. In thongs.”
Rump concluded with perhaps his most stunning revelation. “I already have God’s endorsement, ” il Dunce said. “I had Him to dinner at my fantastically luxurious penthouse in amazing Trump Tower. Once He saw that I had more money than He did, He got on board. It’s gonna be an incredible honor to have Him working for Me.”
Informed of Trump’s intentions, current pontiff Francis 1 responded, “That culo can kiss my cuppolone.”
“It’s just an endless, mindless void,” the weary cell said. “I’ve been all over this place, and all I ever found was a file marked ‘Miss Ecuador: Cup size.’ I’m gonna try my luck in the spleen. I know he has one of those. Or maybe the anus. Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.”
Foxborough, MA — Patriots QB Tom Brady and Coach Bill Belichick are still talking…but it’s all in their heads.
Sources inside the New England Patriots organization have confirmed that — in defiance of the NFL’s ban on communication — Brady and Belichick have remained in mind contact during Brady’s 4-game suspension.
Said an unnamed assistant coach, “Sometimes we’ll be in a meeting with Bill and he’ll go all quiet and get this faraway look and this slight smile — and we know that right then he’s talking with Tom in his head. Or he’s thinking about cutting somebody. That also makes him smile.”
While most of the psychic conversation centers on football, at times Belichick and Brady share funny thought memes involving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, or simply discuss what makes a good conditioner.
Insiders report that this psychic link actually annoys Brady’s wife, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. “Sometimes we’ll be sharing an intimate moment,” Bundchen complained to a friend, “and, instead of adjusting the straps the way I like them, Tom will be ESP-chatting with Bill about the Dolphins blitz package. And, when Tom wears his helmet, it gets even worse!”
The NFL has allegedly investigated these rumors, but to date they have picked up little from Belichick’s brain except traces of rapper Chamillionaire’s 2006 hit “Ridin'”.
Believe it or not, the cat — Mittens — gently grasped the injured bird in her jaws, then carried it into the house and placed it softly in the cat’s very own bed. From that day on, Mittens treated the bird as if it were her own offspring. She groomed the bird’s feathers with her tongue. She nudged the bird cautiously toward her water bowl, so the bird could drink. With her paw, Mittens nourished the injured bird with seeds that she herself had collected from the flower garden. At night, the two creatures shared a bed, the cat lovingly enfolding the bird with her furry tail. Finally, when the day arrived that the bird’s wing was completely healed and it was capable of flying away, Mittens pounced on the bird and tore it to pieces. It’s astounding how evil cats can be.
Hollywood, CA — Crystal Hefner’s decision to have her implants removed for health reasons has Hugh Hefner turning the Playboy Mansion upside down in a frantic search for the couple’s pre-nuptial agreement.
“I know it’s around here somewhere,” Hef offered, as he searched through his massive Playboy files. “The problem is, I keep getting distracted. Hey, here’s some tits I forgot about!”
Hefner confided that the “pre-nip, oops — pre-nup” is 400 pages of legal jargon like “alienation of affection” and “two quick swipes shall not constitute a hand-job.” Most of all, “…it says my wife has to have a rack I can ride like a pony.”
While Hefner’s search has not yet produced the vital document, it did uncover a bevy of 1990s Playmates living in the back-up orgy bunker beneath the mansion. “At first, I thought maybe we could save them,” Hef observed. “But they were beyond airbrushing. So I had them put down.”
Although Hefner is saddened by his wife’s decision to reduce her breasts, he remains optimistic. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “Whatever her bra size, I will always love Crystal. I just won’t love her as much as my next wife. The one with the knockers.”
Notre Dame, IN — Embarrassed by the anti-immigrant remarks of former Irish coach Lou Holtz, the University of Notre Dame today announced that it will be re-locating Holtz’s statue. That bronze tribute, currently located outside Notre Dame Stadium, will be moved to a place “less public and more bitter, until Coach Holtz has time to reflect on his comments and get his medication adjusted.”
Holtz, who led the Fighting Irish to their last national title in 1988, recently told a Republican crowd that he was worried that an immigrant “invasion” might force him to celebrate strange, foreign holidays in addition to our native celebrations, such as Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day. The former coach also stated that we must be careful not to admit terrorists, unless they have good hands and run a 4.3 in the forty.
As for the statue, it will be placed in the university maintenance shed that houses other less-laudable relics of Notre Dame football, including George Gipp’s gambling debts and the imaginary coaching skills of Charlie Weis.
Cape Canaveral, FL — NASA head Maj. Gen. Charles Borden announced today that the space agency will “pay any price, bear any burden” to put Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Mars by the end of next week.
“We don’t have all the details worked out yet,” Borden said. “But, basically, we’re going to get the biggest big-ass rocket we can find on Ebay, point it at Mars, and blast Trump into space.” NASA, funding for which has been severely reduced in recent years, has already launched a Kickstarter to fund the project.
NASA had planned to put a man on Mars sometime around 2030, but “It’s become increasingly obvious,” Borden stated, “that the next step in advancing the course of civilization is to get Trump the hell off this planet.”
In response, Trump tweeted: “That rocket had better be huge. Huuuge. Like my hands, which can hold ten or twenty penises at one time.”
In a related story, NASA announced that Mars, formerly known as “the Red Planet,” will now be called, “That Giant Orange Hairball.”
Joey Votto, enigmatic star
“We have a great opportunity to show our young fans what it takes to be eliminated early.”
Brandon Phillips, untradeable veteran
“Usually I have to stay interested until the All-Star break. But this year the pressure’s off.”
Jay Bruce, disappointment
“At least there will be plenty of tickets available for my family and friends, if I can persuade them to watch this mess.”
Homer Bailey, Christian Bayle stunt double
“Coasting through meaningless games means I won’t blow out my arm until August.”
Zack Cozart, team member
“This should be a great year for the concessions people. I mean, if you’re coming to one of our games, you’re going to want to drink heavily.”
Bryan Price, sacrificial manager
“I don’t look at this as a lost season. I see this as a chance to get paid very well for failing miserably. Also, I’ll have time to sit on the bench and update my resume’.”
Pete Rose, mental
“It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s whether the league office finds out about it.”
Downton Abbey concluded its stately run with the family and their servants ringing in 1926. But what happened after that? As he grew older, Lord Grantham became increasingly withdrawn, due to his d…
Source: Downton Abbey: The End After The End