Early Signs of Dementia

You want to change the channel on your TV, but you don’t press the buttons on the remote fast enough, so the TV switches to the wrong channel.  And when you try to correct it, it goes to another wrong channel, which is showing a Seinfeld rerun. So you watch that.

You run into someone you knew in high school, only you can’t think of her name. And you talk for a while, and then you both go your separate ways, and you never do recall her name.  And then, in the middle of the night, you suddenly wake up and remember why you never liked her.

You mean to eat the Greek yogurt in your refrigerator, but then you decide you’d rather order pizza, and when you get around to checking again, the yogurt has expired. But you still think it might be okay to eat.

You stand in front of the microwave, wondering why you hardly ever win at Words With Friends, even though you were nearly Phi Beta Kappa. So you don’t notice that the popcorn isn’t popping anymore until it’s too late and that scorched popcorn smell is stinking up the kitchen.  Later, “Fartsmith” drops AZIMUTH on you for 137 points.

You walk up to a car in the parking lot that you think is your car, but it turns out to be not your car, but rather a car that is the exact same model and color as your car.  It even has the same interior as your car. But the floor is not covered with trash. So it’s not your car.

You get sick, and the doctor prescribes some pills. But then you can’t remember if you are supposed to take the pills before you eat or after you eat.  So you have to read the instructions on the pill bottle.  And it turns out you were right the first time.

You can’t name all of the Presidents or state capitals. Of course, you were always shaky on North and South Dakota, and a lot of those Presidents don’t even have their faces on money. In any case, you don’t have much money, because you drink a lot and buy crap online.

You can’t find your keys, and you remember how your mom told you over and over to always put your keys in the same spot, so you can find them when you need them.  And after a long search, you find your keys on the bathroom sink, and it just makes you chuckle and realize that your mom was right. But it doesn’t make you want to call her.

You have a nightmare where you are in school, and they are giving a very important test that you need to pass, only you forgot to study for it, and you can’t even find the classroom.  But then you wake up and realize that you were dreaming, although you have to get up for work in 22 minutes, and your job is pretty much a nightmare. So you only feel a little better.

You forget to pay the electric bill and the electric company sends you a second notice and you don’t know how much money is in your checking account. And your freaking roommate leaves the freaking lights on all the freaking time.

You start to zip up your jacket and the zipper gets stuck.  You twist it and pull it, but the zipper won’t go up or down, and you get really frustrated.  So you go out with a half-zipped jacket, because you ruined your sweater by not drying it flat.


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