Things I watch out for on a daily basis

  • Icebergs (1 hour; yes, I live in the Midwest…and complacency killed the Titanic.)
  • Asteroids (1-2 hours, unless I have recently watched a show about deadly asteroids; then, 5 hours, with breaks for panic attacks.)
  • The other guy (3 hours, especially if he is my roommate and is looking at me funny while sharpening his taxidermy tools.)
  • Sleep apnea (Part of every waking minute)
  • The Second Coming (1 hour, during which I pray that I will have enough time to delete all my porn.)
  • Bears (30 minutes; more, if I am carrying a pic-a-nic basket.)
  • Identity thieves (at least 7 hours; because, if my identity is stolen, I will not know who to tell them I am when I call to report it.)
  • Signs of depression (1 hour, but it seems to drag on and on, with no end to the pain.)
  • Terrorists (2 seconds; because, if I worry about them, then they win, but if they blow me up, then win. Wait…)
  • The next pandemic virus (3 hours; after that, my hazmat suit starts to chafe.)
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