Fleeing Soon From A Theater Near You

Sony’s withdrawal of “The Interview” due to threats from hackers has had a domino effect upon the movie industry.

Into the Woods — Release cancelled because enraged witches threatened to change Meryl Streep into a newt; additional threats came from musical-lovers still traumatized by Pierce Brosnan’s singing in Mamma Mia.

Spectre — New James Bond film now cancelled because Spectre threatened to destroy Hollywood with an incredibly powerful super-weapon that not even James Bond himself could disable. Not this time. Nope. Not a chance. Because he would be captured and left alone in a cell that is 100% escape-proof. Yeah, just let him try. Ha! What a laugh!

Annie — Withdrawn because redheads, angered by Annie not being a redhead, threatened to give theater owners a henna rinse. Also, deeply deranged “Crowe-nies” believe all musicals must star Russell Crowe.

Star Wars: Episode 7– Withdrawn due to ominous disturbances in the Force; for good measure, Interstellar and The Theory of Everything also withdrawn, because there is some dark shit out there that we don’t know about and don’t want to piss off.

Exodus: Gods and Kings — Withdrawn due to plague of hate mail from those who were suckered into seeing the movie; see also, Dumb and Dumber To. Better yet, don’t see.

Birdman — Withdrawn because fanboys who thought this was going to be another Marvel film threatened to sabotage the studio once they were finished playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare…which might be never, because that game is totally awesome, dude!

Big Hero 6 — Withdrawn because people were upset that they missed Big Hero 1-5, which were supposedly better than 6, with Big Hero 2 even drawing comparisons to The Godfather: Part 2, especially the extended flashback, where Robert DeNiro becomes an animated Japanese mobster.

Gone Girl — Withdrawn because psychotic wives everywhere threatened to blow up theaters and frame their husbands for the crime.

Foxcatcher — Withdrawn due to threats of lawsuits from Steve Carell fans who a) were duped into seeing a movie that was nothing at all like The Office and b) never could figure out which character was being played by Steve Carell.

Fifty Shades of Grey — Cancelled due to anticipated outcry from men around the world, who believe strongly that tying a woman up will not arouse her as much as other, more-respectful methods, such as a man getting drunk and pretending that his winky is a puppet named “Mr. Winky.”

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