Putin’s 2015 “To Do” List


  • Re-animate dinosaur from prehistoric DNA. Make video of me riding it bareback. Also, shirtless. Me, that is, not dinosaur. Dinosaur should wear shirt. Shirt with picture of me shirtless? Da!
  • Appear on cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Show supermodels how to rock a monokini!
  • Strengthen ruble — literally! — by issuing new bills with picture of me doing one-arm pushups, shirtless.
  • Crush skinny-bones Obama in one-on-one basketball game. Insist on playing “shirts v. skins.” Guess who will be “skins”! Da!
  • Meet Taylor Swift. Amaze her with my bare-chested balalaika riffs! Warn her that my chest may bruise her heart as well as her hands!
  • Become the next James Bond. Send producers video of myself acting shirtless.  Demand script approval, to ensure sufficient bare-chested scenes.  Also, Hillary Clinton as next Bond girl. Only she could tame these bad-boy pecs!
  • Found new city — Putingrad? Da!  — in uninhabited Russian territory sometimes known as “the Ukraine.”  Break ground with my chiseled chest.
  • Kill African lion by flexing. Wear pelt. Show ‘The Rock’ what true Hercules looks like!
  • Win all Nobel prizes this year. Out of respect, appear at ceremony wearing body-paint tuxedo top. Suggest creation of ‘Nobel Pecs Prize.’ And the winner would be? Da!
  • Join a gym. HAHAHAHA! I joke myself!

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