Feb 1, 2015 — The Seattle Seahawks never saw this coming…or going…or at all.
The New England Patriots, armed with malevolent Bill Belichick’s latest, highly-suspect innovation — the “Inviso-ball” — routed the Seattle Seahawks, 122-35, securing a fourth Super Bowl ring. The “Inviso-ball,” which could only be seen by Patriots players and coaches, completely befuddled the Seahawk defenders, who later admitted that they had not game-planned for “no crazy-ass ghost ball.”
Patriots QB Tom Brady, named Super Bowl MVP, logged a record-setting performance, including an astounding 17 TDs and 45 of 46 passes completed. Brady’s only miss occurred with 6:14 left in the game, when he informed the refs that he had thrown a ball completely out of University of Phoenix stadium. “Got a little too amped up on that throw,” Brady explained after the contest. “I really should have completed it. The receiver was open. We just weren’t on the same blank page.”
NBC announcers Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth continually raved about Brady’s exploits, Collinsworth calling it “probably the greatest performance I have ever not really witnessed.”
The satanic Belichick added to Seattle’s confusion by employing anywhere from 5 to 15 eligible receivers on every play, leaving the Seahawks’ vaunted “Legion of Boom” thoroughly exasperated and overmatched. CB Richard Sherman expressed the frustration of his fellow defenders, saying, “I don’t care what the stats say, man. I know I intercepted five or six of them invisible passes. I’m All-World. Pats ain’t s–t.”
In desperation, the Seattle defenders began tackling any and every Patriot player, including those on the sidelines. This led to a rash of penalties totaling 630 yards, a Super Bowl record. In contrast, the Pats were flagged twice for being offsides and once for acting all “lah-dee-dah.”
The freedom-hating Belichick did not take his foot off the gas until late in the fourth quarter, when, with a comfortable 119-28 lead, Pats’ kicker Stephen Gostkowski attempted an invisible 83-yard field goal, which apparently split the uprights. “That might have been good from 93,” Al Michaels observed.
Seattle coach Pete Carroll repeatedly protested the Pats’ use of the invisible ball. However, after a one-hour confab at midfield, the officials declared that there was no rule that specifically prohibited it. At the post-game press conference, Carroll admitted that the Seahawks should have brought their own invisible balls to use in the game. “It was just an oversight,” Carroll said, going for a laugh. “Our players are as good as anybody at playing with invisible balls. We’ll learn from this and move on.”
Regarding his latest shady stratagem, the Ebola-loving Belichick said, “It’s in the rules. Or it should be. Basically, I ignore the rules anyway. The rules can bite me. We’re on to DisneyWorld.”