President Obama To Treat Day After Super Bowl Like National Holiday

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama today told reporters that he intends to treat the Monday after Super Bowl XLIX like “a flat-out Federal day off.”

The President explained. “Let me tell you — I’m going to watch the game at Biden’s, and you know Joe, he’s going to be serving more than punch and cookies. So I’m going to eat too much, drink too much, and — if I win my Super Bowl bet with Michelle — do a little somethin’ somethin’ too much. So I’ll be lucky to haul my ass out of bed by Monday afternoon — just like most of the football-loving, freedom-loving fans in this great country.”

When asked about the propriety of wasting an entire day in office, the President replied, “Have you seen the steaming pile of Congress I have to work with? How is that day going to be more wasted than any other damn day?”

Republicans were quick to criticize the President. “This is typical behavior for this administration,” House Speaker John Boehner said. “Let me tell you, former President George W. Bush may have been high for most of his two terms, but when he passed out, it was at his desk in the Oval Office, not in Joe Biden’s hot tub–except for that once.”

Boehner further stated that he personally would “love to have Super Bowl Monday off,” as then he could stay up after the game and watch his DVR of this week’s Downton Abbey.  “I hate to put that off, even for one day,” Boehner confided. “I’ve been worried sick about footman Thomas Barrow. At last week’s caucus, it was all Mitch McConnell and I could talk about.”

Despite Boehner’s remarks, President Obama refused to alter his position. “As far as I’m concerned,” he said, “I am exercising my right as a free American to blow off the day after the Super Bowl. You think Lincoln didn’t take a mental health day after Appomattox?  Well, the Super Bowl is bigger than that.”

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