You’ve Been Laughing For All The Wrong Reasons

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        An old man is sitting on a park bench with a dog beside him.  A woman sits down on the bench.  “Does your dog bite?” the woman asks.  “No,” the old man replies.  But when the woman attempts to pet the dog, the dog snaps at her viciously.  “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” the woman exclaims. To which the old man replies, “That’s not my dog.”

Why this is funny:  The “dog” is not a dog at all!  In fact, it is the old man’s grandson, a feisty toddler who bears an unfortunate resemblance to a schnauzer.

__________

A man gets a call from his doctor.  “I have bad news and worse news,” the doctor says.  “What’s the bad news?” the man asks.  “You have only twenty-four hours to live,” the doctor replies.  “Oh my God!” the man cries. “What could be worse than that?”  And the doctor says, “I forgot to call you yesterday.”

Why this is funny:  The doctor is not wearing pants!  Also, the man has no health insurance, so that phone call is costing him $2300!

__________

First Man: “I just got a new Mercedes for my wife.”

Second Man: “Wow! I wish I could make a trade like that!”

Why this is funny:  Right after this exchange, the first man was crushed by a falling piano! This was welcome news to his widow, who had long since tired of being the butt of his jokes and was already contorting with her yoga instructor.

__________

“Knock, Knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Dwayne.”

“Dwayne who?”

“Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!”

Why this is funny: This joke is a comic conundrum. In the first place, how can Dwayne be knocking on the door, when he is purportedly drowning in the bathtub? Is he speaking metaphorically? Also, speech impediments are nothing to joke about, even though a failure to speak fluidly has been comic gold for some of our most cherished performers, including Jimmy Stewart and Scooby-Doo.  And yet, this joke remains hilarious. And why is that? Because the part of “Dwayne” is being played by a chimpanzee in a suit!

__________

Two women are eating lunch at a delicatessen.

“Ugh!” says the first woman. “The food here is terrible!”

“Yes,” her friend replies. “And such small portions.”

Why this is funny: The women don’t realize it, but the kitchen of this deli is a virtual E. coli resort. So there’s a very good chance they will both be dead by mid-week.  Then the first woman’s husband will run off to Aruba with his secretary, who has huge knockers.  This will lead to a very funny double entendre about “coconuts.”

__________

The devil drops in on a lawyer at his office.  “I will give you wealth, power, and eternal youth,” the devil promises, “but I want something from you in return.”

“What is it?” the lawyer asks.

“I demand the souls of your wife and children, to roast forever in the fires of hell.”

The lawyer pauses, before saying, “So, what’s the catch?”

Why this is funny: The whole time, the lawyer is thinking, “If I’d gone to med school, I’d be God, and could get rid of this asshole.”

__________

Q: “How many nine-year-olds does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

A: “It doesn’t matter. They’ll be too busy Googling the word ‘screw.’”

Why this is funny:  Nothing is funnier than the truth.  And the truth is, these kids would not change that light bulb if their lives depended on it, no matter how many bazillion times you reminded them!  Just like they won’t pick up their clothes, do their homework, or stop changing your Facebook status!  Oh, they are so grounded!

__________

Q: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

A: “To get to the other side.”

Why this is funny:  Who knows? This joke continues to baffle humor experts. Perhaps it was a rubber chicken.

Photo: “Only the serious know how to truly laugh” by Southbanksteve (London, UK)

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