NEW YORK CITY — In an upset both stunning and historic, an angry feline named “Ralph” walked away with “Best In Show” honors at the 2015 Westminster Dog Show.
“I am aghast. I am stunned. I am baffled,” said a clearly-shaken Winwood Windom, head of the American Canine Club. “I could not be more surprised had you told me that a black man had been elected President of the United States. What? Really? Twice?”
Ralph the cat was considered the longest of long shots by Westminster handicappers, especially after the disagreeable feline refused to parade for the judges, obviously did not give a crap, and contemptuously chorked a large hairball on-camera.
But the judges clearly saw beyond Ralph’s dearth of effort and dog-breath.
“Frankly, we were looking for something different this year,” stated head judge Marion Albritton. “Every year we give the blue ribbon to a dog. Dogs are fine, of course. But they’re mostly loyal and lovable, and the average viewer just won’t tune in for that. We needed to increase interest by having a really odd winner, like they do at the national spelling bee.”
Albritton added that a cat champion opened the door wide for other animals. “I could see a giraffe or an iguana as a future winner,” he said. “I’m already hearing good things about a couple of local squirrels. Squirrels and dogs…wouldn’t that be ‘must see TV!'”
In a sad post-script reminiscent of the 1987 Miss Uruguay pageant, champion Ralph was immediately attacked and eaten by disgruntled fellow competitors.