LOUISVILLE, KY — Motorists stranded for more than 15 hours on snowbound I-65 south of Louisville have decided to forget about being rescued and found a town right where they are.
“It’s become pretty clear that the traffic isn’t ever going to start moving,” said Ed Furman, the newly-elected mayor of the new town, tentatively named ‘Climate Change Ain’t, Kentucky.’
“We all need to get on with our lives,” Furman continued. “So it might as well be right here.”
Bryan Wellinghort, a developer trapped in the gridlock, had already secured financing for a mixed development that would include retail, condos, and single-family homes. “Ninety percent of the lots have been sold,” Wellinghort reported. “Unfortunately, start-up construction has been delayed because our contractor was found frozen to death in his truck. But any time you build a house, you’ll run into little problems like that.”
Stranded would-be residents, who had been surviving largely on snow, beef jerky, and some discreet cannibalism, were buoyed by the news that the town had already established essential services, including fire, police, a Walmart, and a Cracker Barrel restaurant featuring a complete array of the hilarious knick-knacks and heart-warming DVDs for which the chain is so rightly famous.
“That’s a right big upgrade from the trailer park where we was living before this trip,” stated Margie Boosler, formerly of Whompus, Indiana. “If we can get us some cable with the QVC, we’d be living high, like my sister in Seymour.”
Mayor Furman also announced that the town would be petitioning the state gaming commission for a casino license, which was greeted with enthusiasm by motorists burning their cars to keep warm.
Few of the abandoned travelers seemed to harbor any ill feelings toward Kentucky emergency services for failing to clear the roadblock. Speaking for the majority, Roscoe Stengler, an insurance agent from Cave Hole, KY said, “I’m sure they’re trying their best. This is just what happens when you let homos get married.”