Hoopertown, KY — After a year-long investigation, the NCAA announced today that it is suspending the Hooper College lacrosse program for “gross violations of the sport’s social register code.” Compliance officers found that the Cardinal roster included no players whose parents were East Coast lawyers or Wall Street bankers. In addition, the one player who was listed as a prep school graduate had actually only attended a Montessori preschool.
“This program was riddled with red flags,” said investigator Steven Falk. “If you don’t have a player on your roster whose first name is a last name — like ‘Steele’ or ‘Harding’ — we’re going to take a very close look at what you’re doing. Not one of these Hooper kids had a name that conjured up a day of yachting on the Chesapeake, followed by a bonfire on the sand beside an aristocratic blonde.”
Cardinal coach Vince Cinzano frankly admitted that the roster did not meet class requirements. “But we hoped the NCAA would show us some lenience because we made our players watch every episode of Downton Abbey. We were even hoping to add a valet to our coaching staff.”
Cinzano added that he has tried to entice East Coast players to Hoopertown, but usually loses them to Ohio colleges. “To those kids, Ohio is like the Hamptons of the Midwest,” Cinzano lamented. “I can’t compete with Gambier or even Cincinnati.”
In response to the suspension, the American Lacrosse Association issued a statement: “We believe that lacrosse should be a sport for all Americans, from the upper crust right on down to the upper middle class. And we strongly encourage the recruitment of all minorities — blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans, Hoosiers — whose ancestors have signed the Declaration of Independence.”
As a final note, the rueful Cinzano remarked, “I should’ve just recruited a butt-load of Canadians. Nobody seems to mind them.”