Rind, Australia — While some sleepologists have questioned whether the traditional method of falling asleep remains relevant in the 21st century, a recent study by the Rind University School of Mattress Design appears to confirm that lying flat/eyes shut is still the optimum posture for catching some Zs.
“We tried putting people in a variety of positions,” explained Hans Shirmeyer, Rind’s leading mattresstician. “Crouching, praying mantis, Heisman trophy, reverse cowgirl, untenable, waiting at the DMV, down dog, folk dancing. We discovered that 95% of our subjects still found it easier to fall asleep when lying down.” (According to the report, the other 5% had no difficulty falling asleep while sitting up. This group included air traffic controllers, students reading Moby Dick, and people watching golf.)
Shirmeyer stressed that it is essential for would-be sleepers to both lie down and close their eyes. “It has been proven that looking at cell phones, computers, or TVs in the evening can hinder sleep. That is because you must keep your eyes open in order to view the unlimited amounts of porn on these devices.”
In addition to lying down and closing your eyes, these tips may also help you fall asleep:
— If you are a chronic worrier, before going to bed make a list of the things that you are anxious about. After many hours, or even days, of listing your niggling concerns and crippling fears, you will begin to feel drowsy or in need of a restful stay at a licensed mental health facility.
— Do not engage in strenuous exercise right before sleep. “Strenuous exercise” includes such activities as the decathlon, water polo, and straining to reach the potato chip bag with your toes. This does not rule out sex at bedtime. It merely rules out good sex, which often requires one partner to move something or at least put down the potato chip bag.
— Try to create a relaxing, sleep-friendly environment in your bedroom. Keep the thermostat in the low 60s at night, use comfortable sheets and pillows, and paint the walls a “restful” color such as beige. All of those elements will make it easier to sleep, unless you have a cat, a child, or a cellmate who says you have a behind he could get behind.
— Be aware that drinking excess amounts of alcohol can make you fall asleep, causing you to miss out on your frat’s racist party video. But the alcohol will also disrupt your sleep, so you can get up a couple of hours later, resume drinking, and be fully inebriated when the campus police arrive.
— If, after an hour, you have failed to nod off, get out of bed and check your partner’s email, browser history, and credit card activity. Then at least you will have a good reason for staying awake.
— Remember to drink plenty of caffeine in the evening. Otherwise, you may sleep through your bedtime.
Photo: Chad fitz