Notre Dame Freshman Arrested For St. Patrick’s Week Sobriety


Notre Dame, IN — University of Notre Dame freshman Mark Gurgavich [pictured above], 18, of Eastlake, MN was flabbergasted when campus police burst into his Alumni Hall dorm room on Sunday evening.

“I had just finished off a six-pack of Bud,” Gurgavich recounted, “and was about to start on another. I was even feeling a bit tipsy. I thought I was within the rules. But I guess the cops thought otherwise.”

Campus police cited Gurgavich for being “not quite drunk and disorderly enough for this close to St. Patrick’s Day.”

“I could barely smell the alcohol on him,” said George Flynn, one of the arresting officers. “When we hauled him out, he never even stumbled over the liquor bottles and people passed out in the dorm hallway. And not once did I need to warn him against vomiting in the cruiser. Some of these kids just don’t know how to drink irresponsibly.”

The arrest could lead to Gurgavich being suspended by the university’s Office of Student Intoxication. “We have fairly stringent alcohol regulations here at Notre Dame,” explained OSI rector Fr. Allan Parsons. “We expect all of our students, regardless of age or level of maturity, to be hammered at the appropriate times, such as St. Patrick’s Day week, or when the football team finally beats a ranked opponent. Or on a Thursday.”

“I knew the regs,” Gurgavich admitted. “I just never thought I’d get caught being under-drunk. If I had it to do over, I’d have gotten blitzed at breakfast like my roommates.”

Fr. Parsons refused to discuss Gurgavich’s possible punishment, which could range from early morning drinking classes to a period of incarceration at “The Linebacker”, a local facility that treats students with sobriety problems.

“At Notre Dame, we are dedicated to creating well-rounded students,” Fr. Parsons stated. “Students who can overindulge in all types of spirits, from cheap beer to less cheap beer to hard liquor. And we’ll match our blood-alcohol levels with any university in the country, even the SEC.”

Photo: Billy Hathorn

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