Charlotte, NC — The University of Virginia’s 60-54 loss to Michigan State today left Cavalier coach Tony Bennett searching for answers.
“What happened to getting points for your looks?” Bennett wondered. “I’m a handsome guy. My chin alone should be worth a one-and-one. But, in this tourney, the refs treat me like I couldn’t be a male model.”
This was the second consecutive NCAA tourney in which the captivating Bennett — regarded by basketball pundits as the coach most likely to be mistaken for a soap opera star — was eliminated by the Spartans, coached by the hound-faced Tom Izzo.
“Tom Izzo is a great coach,” Bennett conceded. “A coach who’s won national titles. But, honestly, compared to me, he’s a troll. And yet, when we play each other, the refs give him the foul call or that crucial possession call. They’re obviously put off by my chiseled good looks.”
A reporter suggested that Bennett might consider getting a cold sore or having a disfiguring accident before next year’s tourney. “I’ve tried to think of a way around this face,” Bennett replied. “I’ve even tried coaching in practice with a bag over my head. But these bedroom eyes still come through.”
Bennett emphasized that his concerns go beyond the discrimination he himself endures on the basketball court. “This used to be a shallow country,” he said. “After this, I’m seriously worried about the future of all good-looking Americans.”