AP/Heaven — In a candid interview this week, God the Father admitted that the upcoming Easter holiday is “not a swell time” for the Holy Trinity.
“First of all, it’s really tough for Us to dine out,” His Omnipotence said, “because that day the restaurants are full of believers. They constantly pester Us for autographs, or selfies, or miracle cures, or the winning lottery numbers. I can’t even get through My salad.”
“And that’s assuming We could even agree on a place to eat,” His Immensity added. “Myself, I’m partial to deli. Jesus always pushes for sushi. The Holy Spirit insists on gluten-free. Why? He eats like a bird anyway. It usually ends up in a big argument. Last year, We bagged the whole idea and ordered a pizza. Gluten-free.”
God admitted that even watching the TV on Easter can be uncomfortable. “Every channel is pretty much the same thing: The Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur, The Bible, The Robe, King of Kings, The Sound of Music. I love Julie Andrews, but a lot of that other stuff hits pretty close, you know? And they never get it right. Those plagues of Egypt? Never happened. All I did was let Pharaoh know that, unless he let My People go, his cable bill was going through the roof. Case closed.”
His Almighty-ness said that the crucifixion scenes make for some particularly awkward moments. “I think Jesus still holds a little grudge against Me for that,” He sighed, thunderously. “Well, who can blame the kid? Maybe that wasn’t My best idea. What can I say? Parents make mistakes.”
God revealed that the Pope usually calls Him after dinner. “We’ll talk for a while,” He said. “He asks about My family, I ask about his. I like this new guy. With the last two popes, it was all doctrine, doctrine, doctrine. As if I needed that headache. But Francis, he can tell a joke. He’s a mensch.”
Asked if He indulges in any Easter candy, His Omniscience chuckled, volcanically. “I wish,” He replied. “But even an all-powerful being like Myself, has to watch His waistline. Why didn’t I create chocolate without calories? It seems like a no-brainer now. But back then I was distracted, tinkering with evolution so everyone could see that Genesis wasn’t a creation play-by-play. And you know how that worked out. Anyway, I’ll get to the chocolate next time. There’s always a next time.”