Indianapolis — “I am a proudly gay mammal.”
With those words, the Easter Bunny today ended centuries of speculation spawned by his fondness for pastel colors and frequent hosting of the Tony Awards.
“This is not about law or religion,” said the noticeably relieved bunny. “This is about me being honest about who I am, while letting Anderson Cooper know that I’m free next weekend.” Previously, the tabloids had linked the Easter Bunny with Thumper, costar of Walt Disney’s animated classic Bambi. Disney swiftly denied the story.
The bunny also made it clear that he would not force his candy upon those who oppose homosexuality on religious grounds. “If parents post an RFRA sign in the window, I’ll know not to visit their kids,” he said. “I just hope the tykes won’t be too disappointed.”
A spokesman for the American Family Institute assured reporters that right-thinking parents could easily offset the lack of jelly beans, marshmallow chicks, and chocolate eggs by filling their child’s Easter basket with loaves and fishes, manna from heaven, sacrificial lambs and other treats sanctioned by the Bible.
With the Easter Bunny clearly “out”, speculation now focuses on the Trix rabbit and his long-time housemate Snap, the Rice Krispies elf.