Violence Escalates in Bitter Rancic-Osbourne Vendetta

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Hollywood — A new blow was struck yesterday in the escalating conflict between former Fashion Police co-stars Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic. The LAPD reported that Osbourne’s henchmen kidnapped Rancic’s personal shopper, Sunny “Sonny” Vitello, on Rodeo Drive. They then drove her to Van Nuys, where they forced her into a Walmart. The traumatized Vitello was found two hours later, sobbing into a pair of jeans that, according to reliable sources, Rancic would not even put on her illegal Nicaraguan housekeeper/indentured servant/slave.

“Sonny’s had quite a shock,” said Rancic’s consigliere, Ed “The Stanford Law Grad” Regan. “She’ll live, I suppose, but she won’t be the same. Once you’ve been in Walmart, you’re never the same.”

Police speculate that the attack on Vitello was in retaliation for an incident last month, when Osbourne’s hairstylist, Rici “Rocky” D’Amore, was waylaid by Rancic associates and held captive in a Culver City apartment. There he was forced to watch an entire day of ESPN. D’Amore is still recovering from the severe injuries caused by exposure to ESPN‘s Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless.

The Rancic-Osbourne feud erupted over a remark Rancic made about actress Zendaya Coleman’s hairstyle at the Oscars, a remark that many construed as racist. When Osbourne failed to come to her co-star’s defense, Rancic declared, “Kelly broke my heart, just like Fredo.” Next morning, Osbourne, who has battled weight issues, awoke to find a box of powdered donuts in her bed.

Osbourne quickly fired back at Rancic. In an interview with Trailer Trash Weekly, Osbourne viciously attacked Rancic’s sense of style. “She has a body like a stripper pole and the wardrobe to match,” Osbourne said. Later that day, an anonymous caller sent 2 dozen stuffed crust pizzas — with extra cheese – to Osbourne’s home.

“This all blew up after Joan Rivers died,” said Capt. Marty Ingalls of the LAPD’s Organized Crime and Celebrity Spat Task Force. “Whenever there’s a regime change, everyone wants to settle old scores.”

Ingalls expects the feud to be prolonged and bloody. “Both sides are laying on extra publicists,” he said. “These babes are going to the mattresses.”

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