In a new Forbes survey ranking occupations that basically don’t amount to squat, the position of President of the United States once again ranked number one in overall lack of impact and the feeling that what you are doing is mostly just dicking around.
“That pretty much says it,” stated Barack Obama, current holder of the most meaningless job. “Basically, as President you get a hundred days to get anything at all accomplished. Then you spend the rest of your time watching Congress and the Supreme Court fighting for the chance to undo whatever little bit you managed to get done. It blows, man.”
Former President George W. Bush concurred. “Oh, hell yeah. Being President is a total waste. I got so tired of feeling useless. That’s why I invaded Iraq — just to have something to do.”
President Obama admitted that, most days, there’s very little motivation for him to set foot in the Oval Office. “I always come in on Friday mornings, because the Secret Service springs for screwdrivers and donuts. Otherwise, the only reason to come downstairs is that I can’t get Netflix on the TV in our bedroom.”
The President further revealed that his workday consists mostly of watching ESPN, sharing NSFW emails with Vice-President Biden, and making prank calls to House Speaker John Boehner. “Swear to God, one time I had him believing I was David Koch, and I was gonna give all my billions to the Democrats,” the President recounted. “Boehner was peeing in his pants.”
Rounding out the list of totally meaningless occupations are 2. Prince of Wales; 3. Sideline reporter; 4. Political pundit; and 5. (tie) Drug cartel substance abuse counselor; Fact checker for Fox News.