Study Finds Sperm Cells Mostly Just Jerking Around

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Rind, Australia — Researchers at the Rind University School of Clinical Voyeurism have discovered that sperm cells in the vagina act pretty much like men everywhere.

“It’s true,” said Dr. Aviva Garland, head of the Rind study. “We originally thought that sperm were genetically programmed to do one thing: home in on an egg like a DNA cruise missile. Turns out, that’s not the case at all. Once they get sprayed into the vagina, most sperm are just jerking around.”

Using intra-vaginal cameras developed for the porn industry, Garland and her colleagues were able to  observe sperm behavior. “Immediately after ejaculation, certain groups of sperm start to veer away from the semen pack,” Garland explained. “We call them ‘bro-sperm,’ because it’s obvious that they’d rather hang out with their squiggly friends than get into a long-term relationship with an ovum.”

An even larger school of sperm is apparently too stunned by the orgasmic explosion to continue their mission. Very quickly, they roll over and sink to the floor of the vagina, indifferent to the needs of the egg.

Then there is the type that will approach an egg, circle it for many minutes, then momentarily bump against it, before swimming away, apparently in search of a more attractive ovum. The researchers dubbed them ‘playuhs.’ “They usually die alone,” Garland observed.

One smaller group seems to panic at the first glimpse of the vagina. “Some of them even try, like salmon, to swim back to their spawning grounds. We don’t know why. Perhaps they are not interested in hetero mating. Or, they could be afraid that they are having sex with Madonna.”

But what about the sperm that does fertilize the egg? Is it the strongest? the most committed? “I wish we could draw that conclusion,” Garland replied. “But that sperm might just be the best of what’s left. And even then, there’s a very good chance it’s really only interested in hooking up.”

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