FDA Warns Against Home Colonoscopies


Washington, DC — In a strongly worded statement today, the Food and Drug Administration described the recent increase in at-home colonoscopies as “so freaking crazy that we would like to find the person who thought of it and beat them senseless with an FDA-approved blunt instrument.”

“A colonoscopy is a complex diagnostic examination,”said FDA spokesperson Dr. Dolores Frick. “It should be performed in an accredited medical setting by accredited medical personnel, not in your bathtub by someone who owes you a really, really, really big favor or simply wants to touch your butt.”

The rising cost of health care has led to a surge in at-home medical procedures, including do-it-yourself autopsies, vasectomies, bikini waxes, and home-made stitches for your roommate, for when ‘crossbow tag’ turns out to be a bad idea. In fact, according to surveyors at Family Feud, ‘Perform home colonoscopy’ is now #2 on the list of “Things People Do To Save Money,” right behind ‘Clip coupons/Remove own appendix.’

Frick emphasized that a home colonoscopy is never a good idea, even for couples looking to spice up their relationship. “There are FDA-approved vibrating eggs for that.”

To curtail the spread of rogue colonoscopies, the FDA has urged President Obama to order the NSA to closely monitor American colo-rectal activity. The President is looking into it.

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