Moscow — At a press conference today, Russian President Vladimir Putin revealed that he has begun negotiating with Buckingham Palace for the hand of Princess Charlotte, newborn daughter of the Duke of Cambridge and, as Putin put it, “that hot chick he married.”
Putin declared that this is a “great deal for Great Britain,” as Britain would find itself allied to the “most powerful man in the most powerful country in the universe. They have trouble with any country, I fix with one phone call. They want Ireland to go away? Whole country, gone. One phone call.” In return, Putin would get a a royal trophy wife, good discounts at Saville Row tailors, and a backstage pass to any Rolling Stones concert. “Plus, England would be good place to store Russian homosexuals. They would fit right in.”
Putin pointed out that there is historical precedent for a family link between Britain and Russia. “It will be like old days, with English king related to Russian czar.” Reminded that he is not actually czar of Russia, Putin responded, “Of course. I am merely democratically-elected supreme autocrat ordained by God to be ruler of all Slavs. You listening, Ukraine?”
Should the palace agree to a betrothal, Putin said the marriage would not take place until the princess turns 18, at which time he would be 81. “No problem,” Putin assured. “I am Russian superman, firing sperm warheads of spectacular quality. The princess’s eggs will fight to be my spawn. I only hope her weak English sex can survive immense pleasure of Putin’s lovemaking.”
Putin’s aides later confirmed that the marriage contract would contain an escape clause allowing Putin to renege if Princess Charlotte should grow up to look like Prince Charles with tits.
Putin divorced his wife, Lyudmila Shkrebneva, in 2014. It was reported that Putin’s mistresses often came between them, causing Shkrebneva to fall out of bed.
There is not likely to be an immediate response from Buckingham Palace, as Queen Elizabeth II is currently in Scotland, shooting wild boar and peasants.