Pope Says Vatican “Getting Its Excrementum Together” On Environment

Pope Francis

Vatican City — In conjunction with his newly-released encyclical addressing climate change, Pope Francis I today announced plans to make Vatican City and the papacy more environmentally friendly. Here are some of the changes already being implemented by the Holy See:

  • Instead of traveling by private jet, His Holiness will now be transported by flights of angels, provided the first bag is still free.
  • All evidence of sexual abuse by clergy will be immediately composted after shredding.
  • Dome of St. Peter’s to be topped by 200-foot windmill with blades featuring St. Peter, St. Paul, and Argentine soccer star Lionel Messi.
  • Cassocks and robes, which required frequent dry-cleaning, will be replaced by new line of washable Under Armour “Power Priest Gear.”
  • Strobes in Cardinals disco will be 100% LED.
  • To conserve water, all Vatican holy water fonts will be drained and filled with molecules of sacred air.
  • Vatican gift shops will now sell only relics manufactured by local forgers.
  • No more plastic bags at the Vatican 7-Eleven.
  • Swiss Guards to replace helmets and halberds with environmentally-friendly straw hats and bamboo poles.
  • Ceiling of Sistine Chapel will become bat sanctuary.
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