NFL Throne Room, New York — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that he is rescinding Patriot QB Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for his part in “Deflategate.” Instead, Brady will have the chance to prove his innocence by surviving a fight to the death with a pack of vicious velociraptors. Brady will face the deadly dinosaurs armed only with his rifle arm and a bin full of footballs, all of them inflated to approved NFL specifications.
According to Goodell, the trial will take place Sunday, July 19 at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. FoxSports will televise the event, with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman providing the commentary, along with a special pre-game performance by Britney Spears.
Asked about Brady’s chances, ESPN NFL analyst Jon Gruden stated, “I like Tom Brady. Always have. Let me tell you, that guy is one great football player. I mean, nobody plays the position at a higher level than Tom Brady. But he’s a dead man.”
At a joint news conference with Pats Coach Bill Belichick, Patriots owner Robert Kraft said, “We stand behind Tom Brady one hundred percent. But I have seen Tom run, and I am putting my money on the raptors.” Added Belichick, “Basically, this will save me the trouble of cutting him.”
Brady is reported to be in Brazil, training for the contest with Chris Pratt, star of the mega-blockbuster hit Jurassic World (in theaters everywhere).