My Bucket List, Starting With Looking Like This Picture


Now that I have reached “a certain age,” I am required by law and Morgan Freeman to compile a bucket list of things I would like to accomplish before I (may-or-may-not) ‘take this to the next level,’ so to speak. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and here are the things I would like to do in the 70 or so years I have left:

  • Win Nobel Prize for something. Doesn’t have to be flashy. Would settle for Nobel Prize in Oral Hygiene.
  • Host the Academy Awards. (And I’m not talking about those lame technical awards that nobody cares about. If Meryl Streep isn’t there, neither am I.)
  • Pitch perfect game in Game 7 of the World Series. Also hit walk-off homer. Kiss Bob Costas.
  • Be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” or Sports Illustrated “Sportsman of the Year.” (Fallback award: AARP magazine’s “Cutest Prostate.”)
  • Become Liam Neeson. (Do I really need to explain?)
  • Develop drugs that will destroy cancer, ebola, Donald Trump, and “The View.” (Not necessarily in that order.)
  • Get control of the weather, so that I can make it rain every time ISIS holds their company picnic.
  • Find magic lamp. Get three wishes from genie. First wish: a zillion more wishes. Second wish: another zillion more wishes. Third wish: free HBO.
  • Invent time machine. Go back in time to prevent wars, religious persecutions, and all sequels to Rocky.
  • Learn to speak Spanish, so I can beg Mexico to take Arizona and Texas back.
  • Find out if I can keep my phone plan in the afterlife.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s