New York City — The agent for Patriots QB Tom Brady announced today that Brady will use his entire facial arsenal to fight any suspension imposed by the NFL for his alleged role in the Deflategate scandal.
“Tom is ready to go all in with his with face on this fight,” agent Don Yee said. “The pouty lips, those bedroom eyes, that manly, George Michael scruff — Tom has it all, and he’s not afraid to use it. And don’t even get me started on his hair. Does Roger Goodell have a coif like that? I don’t think so.”
Would Brady even dial up his boyish smile? “Tom’s a competitor,” Yee said. “He’ll do whatever it takes to win…except deflate the footballs, right?”
Yee also promised that Brady would pursue legal action if his entire suspension is not lifted. “We’ll definitely sue the NFL,” Yee declared. “We have complete confidence that Tom would be fully exonerated by a jury of women and gay men.”
According to inside sources at the league office, NFL commissioner Goodell responded to these threats by immediately scheduling a makeover.