West Lafayette, IN — Officers of a Purdue University fraternity today announced that their entire brotherhood is committed to staying “Old School drunk” from now until the conclusion of the college football championship game in January.
“My bros have trained really hard for this,” said Trent Ratner, president of Zeta Zeugma Zeta (Alpha chapter). “Most of our members did a lot of heavy drinking over the summer, so they’d be in binge shape when they returned to campus. But once they hit the door, they really started to pound it down. These guys really want it.”
Ratner showed reporters the frat’s common rooms, which were knee deep in empty beer cans and drained bottles of vodka, bourbon, scotch, tequila, rum, schnapps, wine, and Gatorade — “so we don’t wear down in the fourth quarter,” Ratner explained. “I think this shows a level of dedication to drinking that the usual frat full of future alcoholics simply doesn’t possess.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the fraternity members do not plan to attend any Purdue University football games. “Our team sucks,” Ratner observed. “And going to the actual game only interrupts our drinking. We like to maintain a healthy pace.” Ratner also noted that, despite the football team’s ineptness, Zeta Zeugma Zeta “can drink with any frat in the country. SEC, ACC, Big 10 — I’ll match our drunks against theirs any day.”
But is this responsible behavior? “We’re not all drunk, all the time, ” Ratner said. “One pledge has to stay sober, so he can wipe the puke off the big screen TV and talk to the campus police when they arrive. And we never serve alcohol to under-age coeds who aren’t hot.”
Purdue University officials said that they are closely monitoring the conduct of Zeta Zeugma Zeta, although they are more concerned about the football team getting to a bowl game, “even some lame-ass one.”