New York City — Commissioner Roger Goodell today told reporters that the NFL has high hopes that Pope Francis will have time during his U.S. visit to perform an exorcism on New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.
“At this point,” Goodell said, “we are 99% certain that Belichick has been possessed by one of Satan’s minions, or perhaps even Satan himself. Probably the latter. I mean, this guy is off-the-charts evil.”
The NFL has already presented the evidence of possession to the Pope’s emissaries. The evidence is said to consist of the Spygate and Deflategate material, along with the unholy circumstances surrounding the infamous “tuck play” that eventually led to the Patriots’ first Super Bowl title. There is also a page from the Patriots playbook which reveals that their “Hail Mary” pass play is called “The Hitch and Go to Our Beloved Master, the All-Conquering Prince of Darkness.”
An unnamed Vatican source, however, has stated that the Pope is unlikely to gratify Goodell’s request. “His Holiness will be very busy during this visit,” the source is quoted as saying. “He already must face the U.S. Congress. How many demons can one Pope handle?” Besides, the source continued, “Francis has Tom Brady on his fantasy team. No way is His Holiness screwing with that.”
New England has historically been an area plagued by demonic infestations, as evidenced by the notorious Salem witch trials and the popular TV show Murder, She Wrote, starring Broadway, film, and TV icon Angela Lansbury.