God “Kind of Bummed” About All the Hate and Slaughter


Jerusalem — In a revealing interview with newsman and serial-interrupter Charlie Rose, the Supreme Being admitted to having regrets about the three major religions He created. “Yeah, I’m kind of bummed,” He admitted. “I mean, I started Judaism, Christianity, and Islam because I wanted to do some good here on Earth, and basically they’ve all three come back to bite Me on My Omnipotent Ass. Not that” —

“So,” Rose interrupted, “You’re saying that the massacres of the Old Testament, the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the slaughters of the Arab conquest, of Tamurlane, the Thirty Years War, the Sunni-Shia conflict, the burning of witches and heretics, Mel Gibson — that’s all on You.”

“Well, maybe not that last one, but” —

“The Troubles in Ireland,” Rose continued, “the ethnic cleansing in the Balkans, the Holocaust, the atrocities in Lebanon, the terrorist bombings, the pogroms, the slavery condoned by the Bible, the persecution of homosexuals on religious grounds, the sexual predations of the clergy, the appalling number of men, women, and children killed and captured in Your Name, the Left Behind movies — all Your Responsibility.”

“Well, maybe not that last thing, but” —

“Tell us,” Rose interjected. “Tell us what it is that You’d be saying to the people You created, if I weren’t constantly interrupting to show that I know what You’re saying as well or better than You do.”

“Can I really talk?” God asked.

“Of course,” Rose replied. “That’s why I’m here, to listen to what You have to say and then tell You what You said in a way that says it even more cogently than it could be said by a Supreme Being or even a highly-acclaimed scientist or film director. Go on.”

God sighed. “Basically, I think I just effed up with this whole religion thing. I meant it for good, and sometimes it does work that way, but…in My Wildest Omniscience, I never thought it would end up like this. All the fighting, all the hate. And that’s on Me. As I made Harry Truman say, ‘The buck stops here.’ Just don’t blame me for Mel Gibson. Or Ted Cruz. Or”–

“Donald Trump?” Rose interrupted.

God wept. “Man, I got a lot of explaining to do.”

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