Los Angeles, CA — “He hasn’t been this upset since he failed to nail Raquel Welch before she turned 30 and got too old.”
That’s how an anonymous source at the Playboy Mansion described Playboy founder/publisher Hugh Hefner’s reaction to the news that his magazine will no longer publish photos of nude women. “Before the announcement, he was a decrepit, creepy, old man who laid around in his pajamas all day, waiting for some buxom young blond to feed him Viagra and oatmeal,” the source said. “That’s still who is, but now he’s sad.”
According to reports, Hefner was totally blindsided by the sudden change in his magazine’s pictorial policy. Presented with the upcoming issue, he paged feverishly through the magazine, shouting, ‘Where are the tits?! Who stole my tits?!'” Hefner’s curvaceous ‘nurse’ — coyly pulling the hem of her white mini-uniform down over the lace tops of her stockings — later confided, “He was so frantic, he nearly disconnected himself from the machine that pumps him full of baboon hormones.”
And yet, Hef himself had not been completely unaware that his landmark periodical, which boasted quality fiction and provocative interviews that ‘readers’ would quickly pass over in order to masturbate to the naked babes, was now, like himself, a horny relic.
“Mr. Hefner was always looking for ways to revitalize Playboy,” said a lucky bastard who used to get paid to photograph naked chicks all day, “either by inventing new poses, or creating edgier celebrity pictorials. We took some test shots of German Chancellor Angela Merkel that were sexually explosive. But, obviously, corporate decided to go another way.”
A Playboy spokesperson said that the magazine will fill the pages once occupied by naked women with “first-rate articles that will address the interests of the two or three men who have not cancelled their subscriptions.”