FOXNEWS Holiday Terror Watch 2015– All Burt Shirlee wanted was to eat a tub of buttered popcorn with extra butter and enjoy the new movie “Krampus.” Instead, he became the latest victim of crypto-Muslim President Barack Obama’s war on guns and Christmas movies.
Shirlee, 52, an unemployed pipe fitter and certified American from Indianapolis was watching the smash holiday hit “Krampus” at the Regal cinemas, when he noticed a dark-clothed man with a “long gun” entering the theater. Rising without spilling his popcorn, Shirlee drew his new slim-fit Glock 43 9 mm pistol which he had purchased legally at a gun show (God bless America!). Drawing a bead on the attacker, Shirlee quickly fired an entire clip of six rounds, none of which hit the attacker, although one of them struck the left finger of Kay Vardon, 38, who had risen to use the restroom. “I knew I shouldn’t have ordered that extra-large Dr. Pepper,” Vardon said later, as paramedics bandaged her finger. “Ever since I had my last baby, my bladder just can’t last out an entire movie.”
The terrorist attacker turned out to be theater employee Jason Ramos, 17, who had entered the theater carrying a broom and dustpan. “I could be f—–g dead!” he exclaimed, although a FoxNews reporter at the scene was able to explain to him that he was lucky to be living in a country where so many people were armed to protect him against everyone else, because everyone else, from the President to a Syrian child refugee to an olive-skinned person like Jason himself, was a potential Muslim terrorist.
In addition, sixteen other people in the theater suffered injuries, either from the resulting stampede, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, or simply seeing the movie.
Shirlee was arrested by Indianapolis police. “I am real sorry about what happened,” Shirlee told FoxNews. “I will work on my aim and be better prepared for future terrorist assaults. Also, I hope to someday see the end of ‘Krampus,’ so don’t spoil it for me.”