Vatican City — At the request of the Holy See, Vatican City prostitutes yesterday exchanged their sleazy street-wear for a day of sleazy religious garb. The request was made in an attempt not to offend the sensibilities of visiting Iranian president Hassan Rouhani.
“It was no big deal for us,” said a Vatican whore, whose name for the day was ‘Sister Maria Humpulotta.’ As the hooker explained, “Most of us have a nun outfit or two in our closets. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of call for that stuff around here. Especially with this being a Jubilee Year and all. San Pietro is crawling with horny pilgrims.”
Hundreds of prostitutes, both male and female, regularly loiter beneath the porticoes outside St. Peter’s basilica, where they pose with tourists, provide practical information about restaurants, museums, and bus routes, or perform sex acts. All are registered and licensed with the Vatican’s Congregation for the Copulation of the Faithful, better known as the ‘Holy Orifice.’
The change of attire didn’t seem to be affecting business. “It’s been crazy busy,” ‘Sr. Maria’ reported. “I had to pop into Clerical Corner for another pair of fishnet stockings.”
In an ironic twist, President Rouhani confided to reporters that seeing all the covered women actually made him feel “like a prophet in a hot tub filled with burka babes.” To which Pope Francis quickly added, “I hear ya, bro.”