New York City — Republican candidate Donald Trump today took time off from campaigning to announce that he has selected New York’s Central Park as the site for his enormous royal tomb.
“I chose this date, because this is the day when that English guy opened King Tut’s tomb,” Trump revealed. “I could buy and sell King Tut like a million times over. So this is big, big news. Like my tomb, which is gonna be huge. HUGE! It’ll make those Egyptian pyramids look like Monopoly hotels.”
Trump said that he is negotiating with the city of New York to purchase most of Central Park for a tomb complex that will include his enormous burial pyramid, a hotel/casino, shopping mall, movie theaters, hair and nail salon, and the Trump Museum, “that will be better than all the Smithsonians and Louvres with their old history crap and crap paintings.”
“This will be huge for New York,” Trump added, “because my tomb is gonna be the most famous in the world, more famous than Napoleon’s or Jesus’. Even the restrooms are gonna be more famous. And I’ll have a better gift shop, too. All our nut logs will be top quality. The Jesus store won’t be able to touch it.”
Trump indicated that, if and when he decides to die, all of his employees will be entombed with him, along with enough hot women to last for eternity.