Cape Canaveral, FL — NASA head Maj. Gen. Charles Borden announced today that the space agency will “pay any price, bear any burden” to put Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Mars by the end of next week.
“We don’t have all the details worked out yet,” Borden said. “But, basically, we’re going to get the biggest big-ass rocket we can find on Ebay, point it at Mars, and blast Trump into space.” NASA, funding for which has been severely reduced in recent years, has already launched a Kickstarter to fund the project.
NASA had planned to put a man on Mars sometime around 2030, but “It’s become increasingly obvious,” Borden stated, “that the next step in advancing the course of civilization is to get Trump the hell off this planet.”
In response, Trump tweeted: “That rocket had better be huge. Huuuge. Like my hands, which can hold ten or twenty penises at one time.”
In a related story, NASA announced that Mars, formerly known as “the Red Planet,” will now be called, “That Giant Orange Hairball.”