Notre Dame To Move Holtz Statue To Someplace Bitter

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Notre Dame, IN — Embarrassed by the anti-immigrant remarks of former Irish coach Lou Holtz, the University of Notre Dame today announced that it will be re-locating Holtz’s statue. That bronze tribute, currently located outside Notre Dame Stadium, will be moved to a place “less public and more bitter, until Coach Holtz has time to reflect on his comments and get his medication adjusted.”

Holtz, who led the Fighting Irish to their last national title in 1988, recently told a Republican crowd that he was worried that an immigrant “invasion” might force him to celebrate strange, foreign holidays in addition to our native celebrations, such as Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day.  The former coach also stated that we must be careful not to admit terrorists, unless they have good hands and run a 4.3 in the forty.

As for the statue, it will be placed in the university maintenance shed that houses other less-laudable relics of Notre Dame football, including George Gipp’s gambling debts and the imaginary coaching skills of Charlie Weis.

 

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