As Wife Ditches Implants, Hef Scrambles To Find Pre-nup

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Hollywood, CA — Crystal Hefner’s decision to have her implants removed for health reasons has Hugh Hefner turning the Playboy Mansion upside down in a frantic search for the couple’s pre-nuptial agreement.

“I know it’s around here somewhere,” Hef offered, as he searched through his massive Playboy files. “The problem is, I keep getting distracted. Hey, here’s some tits I forgot about!”

Hefner confided that the “pre-nip, oops — pre-nup” is 400 pages of legal jargon like “alienation of affection” and “two quick swipes shall not constitute a hand-job.” Most of all, “…it says my wife has to have a rack I can ride like a pony.”

While Hefner’s search has not yet produced the vital document, it did uncover a bevy of 1990s Playmates living in the back-up orgy bunker beneath the mansion. “At first, I thought maybe we could save them,” Hef observed. “But they were beyond airbrushing. So I had them put down.”

Although Hefner is saddened by his wife’s decision to reduce her breasts, he remains optimistic. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “Whatever her bra size, I will always love Crystal. I just won’t love her as much as my next wife. The one with the knockers.”

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