Downton Abbey: The End After The End


Downton Abbey concluded its stately run with the family and their servants ringing in 1926. But what happened after that?


As he grew older, Lord Grantham became increasingly withdrawn, due to his disgust with the modern world. For the final ten years of his life — he died in 1942 — he would say only “Quite” and “Bates, I’m ready for my wanking.”


As Lord Grantham became more bitter and enfeebled, his wife Cora became more and more a woman of the world, traveling frequently to Spain and Italy on humanitarian missions. On a trip to Florence in 1937, she was surprised by an orgasm. She never returned to Downton.


Lady Mary and her second husband had two children — Sybil and Robert — before her penis put a damper on their romance. After Dunkirk, Lady Mary announced that, if the Germans invaded, she would peremptorily refuse all of their dinner invitations. For this she was decorated by the King. She died grudgingly in 1962. Her body refused to decompose.


Despite a loving husband, six bright, healthy children and a life of privilege and ease, Lady Edith just couldn’t — in her words — “get my happy freak on.” In 1952 her exasperated family finally had her committed to the St. Alban’s Home for the Terminally Mopey. Her sister, Lady Mary, never visited her, though Mary did send a card to Edith every year to mark Marigold’s birthday. The card always said the same thing: “Happy Bastard’s Day, Slut.”


When Tom Branson’s car company failed during the Great Depression, he returned to the United States, where he became a beloved character actor, often appearing on The Love Boat and Barney Miller. He is perhaps best remembered for creating the role of Louie DePalma in the Broadway version of Taxi. 


Isobel Crawley married Lord Merton and they shared her clothing for many happy years. In her nineties she became a regular on the British version of Hollywood Squares.


Palsy forced Carson the butler to retire from service, but he continued to appear daily at the Abbey, where he kept a stern eye on the conduct of the staff. In the end, they were forced to drive him away by pelting him with an assortment of scones and puddings. He died from a severe attack of probity in 1930.


Mrs. Hughes/Mrs. Carson left Downton following the death of her husband. She moved to London, where she sat in Hyde Park all day, feeding the pigeons and soliciting sailors, because, as she put it, she “was entitled to have a little fun after being stuck with that ham-faced fussbudget butler for the best part of my damn life.”


Thomas Barrow succeeded Carson as butler and served with distinction until Lady Mary caught him singing Broadway show tunes with her son George. In 1962 Barrow discovered that what he had thought were “homosexual longings” was in fact just “that old English silliness”; sadly, by then it was too late.


Mrs. Patmore did eventually marry Mr. Mason and they became Downton’s official “Cutest Couple”, often pinching each other’s bottoms and stealing a quick kiss. This lasted until 1935, when Mrs. Patmore got fed up with Mason’s “handsyness” and brained him with a saucepan. She spent the rest if her life cooking in Dartmoor Prison.


Bates continued to serve as Lord Grantham’s valet until His Lordship passed away. After that, he spent most of his time devising the death of any man who made eyes at his wife, Anna, which, he admitted, was “a more interesting hobby than gardening.”


Anna remained Lady Mary’s maid and confidante, which eventually allowed her to blackmail that cold-hearted bitch for many thousands of pounds. Anna used the money to establish a chain of highly-successful assertiveness clinics.


Daisy married Andy the footman and they had three sons. During the Second World War, Andy and his pigs became involved in a top secret British project involving rocket-powered swine. Tragically, Andy was killed when one of the pigs exploded upon take-off. Overcome with grief, Daisy took her children to Liverpool, where she saw to it that they received a first-class education. Later, one of her sons became the first person to sell drugs to John Lennon and Paul McCartney.


Molesly became a highly-respected schoolmaster in Downton. In his later years, he wrote a three-volume history of Downton Abbey, which became the basis for an enormously popular TV series on PBS, from which he earned not one stinking farthing.


Baxter refused Mr. Molesly’s offer of marriage, saying that he “wasn’t enough of a bad boy for my liking.” She took to drink and was dismissed after being found in a compromising position with a suit of armor.


The Dowager Countess out-lived them all, finally passing away in 1987 at the age of 108. Of her family and their servants, she often mused, “They were all twits, you know, the whole bloody lot of them.”

Trump Unveils Plans For Massive Royal Tomb


New York City — Republican candidate Donald Trump today took time off from campaigning to announce that he has selected New York’s Central Park as the site for his enormous royal tomb.

“I chose this date, because this is the day when that English guy opened King Tut’s tomb,” Trump revealed. “I could buy and sell King Tut like a million times over. So this is big, big news. Like my tomb, which is gonna be huge. HUGE! It’ll make those Egyptian pyramids look like Monopoly hotels.”

Trump said that he is negotiating with the city of New York to purchase most of Central Park for a tomb complex that will include his enormous burial pyramid, a hotel/casino, shopping mall, movie theaters, hair and nail salon, and the Trump Museum, “that will be better than all the Smithsonians and Louvres with their old history crap and crap paintings.”

“This will be huge for New York,” Trump added, “because my tomb is gonna be the most famous in the world, more famous than Napoleon’s or Jesus’. Even the restrooms are gonna be more famous. And I’ll have a better gift shop, too. All our nut logs will be top quality. The Jesus store won’t be able to touch it.”

Trump indicated that, if and when he decides to die, all of his employees will be entombed with him, along with enough hot women to last for eternity.




Bengals Enjoying Off-Season Habitat at Cincinnati Zoo


Cincinnati, OH — The 2015 NFL season is finally history, and no team is happier than the Cincinnati Bengals. With the season over, the team has moved its players into their traditional off-season habitat at the Cincinnati Zoo.

“You can see how glad they are to be back,” said zoo director Jack McSwiggin. “This morning, I spent an hour watching Domata Peko chase Vontaze Burfict around and around the rocks in the enclosure. They were having a ball!”

Tight end Tyler Eifert echoed McSwiggin’s sentiments. “After the grind of a long season, we really look forward to laying around, licking ourselves,” Eifert said. “We might even splash through the artificial pond or fight over a stick. You know, all the little things that can carry a team to the Super Bowl.”

The Bengals spend most of the day outdoors, even in bad weather, when it’s not unusual to see QB Andy Dalton and WR A.J. Green playfully tossing snowballs. But at night, the players are moved indoors to special sleeping pens, where they snuggle together for warmth.

“For fans, watching the Bengals at the zoo is much more enjoyable than watching them lose in the first round of the playoffs again,” McSwiggin stated. “During these cold winter months, many of the players are at their most active, especially the offensive linemen. We encourage everyone to stop by and see the Bengals at their best.”

Bengals GM Mike Brown announced that, due to budget cuts, the Bengals coaches are spending the off-season at a Cincinnati animal shelter, where they are available for adoption.

Signs That Your Prostate Is the Size of a Melon


As we all know, it is not unusual for a man’s prostate gland to increase in size as he ages. Here are some common signs that you may have an enlarged prostate:

  1. Your weak flow gets bullied by stronger urine streams.
  2. You start buying Levi’s “Relaxed Prostate” jeans.
  3. It counts as one of your carry-ons.
  4. You put your pants on “one leg, then the prostate, then the other leg at a time.”
  5. There’s a burning sensation when you set your prostate on a hot stove.
  6. Your urine dribbles. Also, you can actually dribble your prostate.
  7. You wonder where that third testicle came from.
  8. When you go to a movie, the guy behind you asks you to remove your prostate.
  9. Your wife leaves you. (Actually, she’s been unhappy for years. It isn’t your prostate, so much as you. Although having a gross deformity in your groin certainly didn’t make you more attractive. And she never liked you calling it “the moon of Uranus.”)
  10. Your work nickname is “The Elephant Gland.”

Okay, now get it checked. By a doctor. Not the office intern.

Vatican Hookers Cover Up For Iranian Prez


Vatican City — At the request of the Holy See, Vatican City prostitutes yesterday exchanged their sleazy street-wear for a day of sleazy religious garb. The request was made in an attempt not to offend the sensibilities of visiting Iranian president Hassan Rouhani.

“It was no big deal for us,” said a Vatican whore, whose name for the day was ‘Sister Maria Humpulotta.’ As the hooker explained, “Most of us have a nun outfit or two in our closets. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of call for that stuff around here. Especially with this being a Jubilee Year and all. San Pietro is crawling with horny pilgrims.”

Hundreds of prostitutes, both male and female, regularly loiter beneath the porticoes outside St. Peter’s basilica, where they pose with tourists, provide practical information about restaurants, museums, and bus routes, or perform sex acts. All are registered and licensed with the Vatican’s Congregation for the Copulation of the Faithful, better known as the ‘Holy Orifice.’

The change of attire didn’t seem to be affecting business. “It’s been crazy busy,” ‘Sr. Maria’ reported. “I had to pop into Clerical Corner for another pair of fishnet stockings.”

In an ironic twist, President Rouhani confided to reporters that seeing all the covered women actually made him feel “like a prophet in a hot tub filled with burka babes.” To which Pope Francis quickly added, “I hear ya, bro.”

Brady, Manning Anxious About Post-Game Kiss


AP — As quarterbacks Tom Brady and Peyton Manning prepare to face off once again in this Sunday’s AFC Championship game, what is their biggest concern? The defenses they will face? The weather in Denver?

“That post-game kiss,” Manning says, with a wry smile. “We’ve been doing it now for I don’t know how many years, and it still makes me nervous.”

Brady echoes the thoughts of his rival. “It’s still kind of awkward, even though we’ve tried to practice it off the field. Do I go right or left? Do I take his hand at the same time? Will there be tongue?”

Manning admits that, any time he faces the Patriots, he spends hours reviewing tape of past smooches between himself and Brady. “You’re always looking for a little advantage. Like, does Tom close one eye or both before he leans in? Does he leave his helmet on? Details like that can be the difference between a good kiss and a season-ending lip injury.”

Manning has long been considered one of the greatest regular season post-game kissers, but in the playoffs, his lips have often let him down. “His lips get dry and chapped in the post-season,” said an NFL scout, “whereas Brady’s lips are always smooth and baby soft, even outdoors in January.”

“I have to go easy on Peyton now,” Brady says, with a grin. “It used to be, after we’d shellacked the Colts yet again, I’d bend Peyton backwards and really lay one on him. But that was before all the neck surgery. Now I usually just kind of brush his lips with mine.”

Neither quarterback feels that these concerns distract from their actual game preparation. “Belichick’s already stolen whatever game plan we have, plus all my signals and audibles,” Manning concedes. “I think he even has my Netflix password. Anyway, there’s really no point in practicing football.”

“Yeah, Bill will give me the game plan this week, blah, blah, blah,” Brady says. “It’s always the same: Cheat better.”

It’s been reported that the Patriots are preparing for Manning by putting back-up QB Jimmy Garoppolo in a wheelchair and making him throw with his left hand.

“I just hope Tom shaves before the game,” Manning adds. “Giselle might like kissing that scruff, but I don’t.”


Cincy Zoo Dyes Tigers To Escape Bengals Shame


Cincinnati, OH — The Cincinnati Zoo today changed the color of its tigers in an attempt to distance the animals from the antics of the Cincinnati Bengals football team. The Bengals were narrowly defeated by the Pittsburgh Steelers, 18-16, in last Saturday’s NFL playoff contest, a loss due largely to crucial penalties against Bengals Vontaze Burfict and Adam Jones during the final minutes. The defeat marked the 217th consecutive time that the Bengals have lost in the first round of the playoffs under head coach Marvin Lewis.

“We feel that the conduct of the Bengals players does not reflect the character of our tigers,” explained head zookeeper Jack McSwiggin. “Therefore, we took steps to distance our animals from the football program.”

The tigers’ normally golden orange fur was dyed white and the black stripes carefully repainted by expendable interns. In addition, the big cats will no longer be referred to as “Bengal tigers,” but rather, “Non-football-playing felines of Indian descent.”

“We had to do something,” tiger keeper Valerie Bushman told reporters. “People were saying horrible things about Bengal tigers on social media — things they normally say about coyotes, or skunks, or Garfield.”

Apparently, the tigers could sense the public’s displeasure. “They wouldn’t come out of their cages yesterday,” Bushman said, “not even when I offered them Graeter’s ice cream. They haven’t been that depressed since they watched The Jungle Book.

On a positive note, the “white” tigers have been a big hit with zoo visitors. “We’re toying with the idea of getting a few more tigers and dyeing them, too,” McSwiggin said. “And how tough could it be to spray paint an elephant?”





Nation Shocked By Players Pointing Fingers, Exchanging Words During NFL Game


AP — NFL viewers sat in stunned disbelief last night as they watched players pointing at each other and exchanging words during the Patriots – Texans game featured on NBC’s “Sunday Night Football.”

“It saddens me — and really, ALL of us,” said NBC announcer Al Michaels, “to see two teams of men, who are trying their best to dismember each other, using rude gestures and hurtful words.” Added fellow commentator Cris Collinsworth, “If I could switch over to ‘Masterpiece Classic’ right now, Al, I would.”

Patriots QB Tom Brady was unapologetic. “Yes, I did point at them,” he admitted. “And I don’t regret it at all. The Texans weren’t being very nice. One of them even used the D-word” — referring either to the Deflategate  scandal or Brady’s less-well-known dandruff issues.

Texans star J.J. Watt, who was involved in an altercation with Patriots receiver Danny Amendola that actually led to shoves, refused to reveal what Amendola said to him during the dust-up. “Let’s just say that it hurt me more than when I slammed my broken hand into LeGarrette Blount’s kidney,” Watt related.

The NFL acknowledged that this was not the first time that players had said unkind things to each other during a game this season. “We are aware of the problem and are doing everything we can to address it,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said. “Rest assured, our primary focus is always to protect the feelings of our players. There’s no reason you can’t dislocate someone’s shoulder and remain respectful about it.”

NBC announced that, in the future, it would make every effort to show only the physical violence of the games, plus some hot cheerleaders.


Fed-Up Pope Slams Holy Door in Jubilee’s Face


Vatican City — Pope Francis yesterday stunned onlookers when he opened the “Holy Door of Jubilee” in St. Peter’s Basilica, then promptly slammed it shut and flipped the deadbolt. Confused dignitaries and pilgrims tapped politely on the door, but the Pontiff refused to open it again, repeatedly shouting, “I’m not here! I went to buy socks!”

A spokesman for the Holy See later offered this explanation: “His Holiness has simply grown tired of being so accessible,” said Cardinal Antonio “The Papal Bull” Fontana. “He is weary of tourists barging into St. Peter’s every day, beseeching him for miracles or restaurant recommendations.  He seeks to have once again the privacy to do those little things we all enjoy, such as waxing his crozier or putting funny hats on Michelangelo’s Pieta.

The closure was deeply disappointing to the hordes of pilgrims who had hoped to pass through the Holy Door to begin this year of Jubilee. “Really a bummer,” said Michael Stith, 22, a student visiting from Duluth, Minnesota.  “I missed seeing the Pope. Plus, I  thought this was the line to buy Star Wars tickets.”

Asked if Pope Francis had any plans to re-open the Holy Door in the near future, Cardinal Fontana replied, “I am certain that His Holiness may open it from time to time, if only to set out his dry cleaning or fetch his paper off the Holy Doormat.”

Prior to yesterday, the Holy Door was last opened to inaugurate the year of Jubilee in 2000. It was bricked shut in 2001, after Pope John Paul II became annoyed because Jehovah’s Witnesses were always ringing the bell.

Vigilant American Foils Potential Muslim Movie Massacre


FOXNEWS  Holiday Terror Watch 2015– All Burt Shirlee wanted was to eat a tub of buttered popcorn with extra butter and enjoy the new  movie “Krampus.” Instead, he became the latest victim of crypto-Muslim President Barack Obama’s war on guns and Christmas movies.

Shirlee, 52, an unemployed pipe fitter and certified American from Indianapolis was watching the smash holiday hit “Krampus” at the Regal cinemas, when he noticed a dark-clothed man with a “long gun” entering the theater. Rising without spilling his popcorn, Shirlee drew his new slim-fit Glock 43 9 mm pistol which he had purchased legally at a gun show (God bless America!).  Drawing a bead on the attacker, Shirlee quickly fired an entire clip of six rounds, none of which hit the attacker, although one of them struck the left finger of Kay Vardon, 38, who had risen to use the restroom. “I knew I shouldn’t have ordered that extra-large Dr. Pepper,” Vardon said later, as paramedics bandaged her finger. “Ever since I had my last baby, my bladder just can’t last out an entire movie.”

The terrorist attacker turned out to be theater employee Jason Ramos, 17, who had entered the theater carrying a broom and dustpan. “I could be f—–g dead!” he exclaimed, although a FoxNews reporter at the scene was able to explain to him that he was lucky to be living in a country where so many people were armed to protect him against everyone else, because everyone else, from the President to a Syrian child refugee to an olive-skinned person like Jason himself, was a potential Muslim terrorist.

In addition, sixteen other people in the theater suffered injuries, either from the resulting stampede, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, or simply seeing the movie.

Shirlee was arrested by Indianapolis police. “I am real sorry about what happened,” Shirlee told FoxNews. “I will work on my aim and be better prepared for future terrorist assaults. Also, I hope to someday see the end of ‘Krampus,’ so don’t spoil it for me.”