Potential Tumor Tired of Searching Trump’s Head for Signs of Brain

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“It’s just an endless, mindless void,” the weary cell said. “I’ve been all over this place, and all I ever found was a file marked ‘Miss Ecuador: Cup size.’ I’m gonna try my luck in the spleen. I know he has one of those. Or maybe the anus. Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.”

Brady, Belichick Beat Ban With Mind Games

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Foxborough, MA — Patriots QB Tom Brady and Coach Bill Belichick are still talking…but it’s all in their heads.

Sources inside the New England Patriots organization have confirmed that — in defiance of the NFL’s ban on communication — Brady and Belichick have remained in mind contact during Brady’s 4-game suspension.

Said an unnamed assistant coach, “Sometimes we’ll be in a meeting with Bill and he’ll go all quiet and get this faraway look and this slight smile — and we know that right then he’s talking with Tom in his head. Or he’s thinking about cutting somebody. That also makes him smile.”

While most of the psychic conversation centers on football, at times Belichick and Brady share funny thought memes involving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, or simply discuss what makes a good conditioner.

Insiders report that this psychic link actually annoys Brady’s wife, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. “Sometimes we’ll be sharing an intimate moment,” Bundchen complained to a friend, “and, instead of adjusting the straps the way I like them, Tom will be ESP-chatting with Bill about the Dolphins blitz package. And, when Tom wears his helmet, it gets even worse!”

The NFL has allegedly investigated these rumors, but to date they have picked up little from Belichick’s brain except traces of rapper Chamillionaire’s 2006  hit “Ridin'”.

 

As Wife Ditches Implants, Hef Scrambles To Find Pre-nup

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Hollywood, CA — Crystal Hefner’s decision to have her implants removed for health reasons has Hugh Hefner turning the Playboy Mansion upside down in a frantic search for the couple’s pre-nuptial agreement.

“I know it’s around here somewhere,” Hef offered, as he searched through his massive Playboy files. “The problem is, I keep getting distracted. Hey, here’s some tits I forgot about!”

Hefner confided that the “pre-nip, oops — pre-nup” is 400 pages of legal jargon like “alienation of affection” and “two quick swipes shall not constitute a hand-job.” Most of all, “…it says my wife has to have a rack I can ride like a pony.”

While Hefner’s search has not yet produced the vital document, it did uncover a bevy of 1990s Playmates living in the back-up orgy bunker beneath the mansion. “At first, I thought maybe we could save them,” Hef observed. “But they were beyond airbrushing. So I had them put down.”

Although Hefner is saddened by his wife’s decision to reduce her breasts, he remains optimistic. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “Whatever her bra size, I will always love Crystal. I just won’t love her as much as my next wife. The one with the knockers.”

NASA Hopes to Put Trump on Mars by End of Next Week

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Cape Canaveral, FL — NASA head Maj. Gen. Charles Borden announced today that the space agency will “pay any price, bear any burden” to put Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Mars by the end of next week.

“We don’t have all the details worked out yet,” Borden said. “But, basically, we’re going to get the biggest big-ass rocket we can find on Ebay, point it at Mars, and blast Trump into space.” NASA, funding for which has been severely reduced in recent years, has already launched a Kickstarter to fund the project.

NASA had planned to put a man on Mars sometime around 2030, but “It’s become increasingly obvious,” Borden stated, “that the next step in advancing the course of civilization is to get Trump the hell off this planet.”

In response, Trump tweeted: “That rocket had better be huge. Huuuge. Like my hands, which can hold ten or twenty penises at one time.”

In a related story, NASA announced that Mars, formerly known as “the Red Planet,” will now be called, “That Giant Orange Hairball.”

 

Brady, Manning Anxious About Post-Game Kiss

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AP — As quarterbacks Tom Brady and Peyton Manning prepare to face off once again in this Sunday’s AFC Championship game, what is their biggest concern? The defenses they will face? The weather in Denver?

“That post-game kiss,” Manning says, with a wry smile. “We’ve been doing it now for I don’t know how many years, and it still makes me nervous.”

Brady echoes the thoughts of his rival. “It’s still kind of awkward, even though we’ve tried to practice it off the field. Do I go right or left? Do I take his hand at the same time? Will there be tongue?”

Manning admits that, any time he faces the Patriots, he spends hours reviewing tape of past smooches between himself and Brady. “You’re always looking for a little advantage. Like, does Tom close one eye or both before he leans in? Does he leave his helmet on? Details like that can be the difference between a good kiss and a season-ending lip injury.”

Manning has long been considered one of the greatest regular season post-game kissers, but in the playoffs, his lips have often let him down. “His lips get dry and chapped in the post-season,” said an NFL scout, “whereas Brady’s lips are always smooth and baby soft, even outdoors in January.”

“I have to go easy on Peyton now,” Brady says, with a grin. “It used to be, after we’d shellacked the Colts yet again, I’d bend Peyton backwards and really lay one on him. But that was before all the neck surgery. Now I usually just kind of brush his lips with mine.”

Neither quarterback feels that these concerns distract from their actual game preparation. “Belichick’s already stolen whatever game plan we have, plus all my signals and audibles,” Manning concedes. “I think he even has my Netflix password. Anyway, there’s really no point in practicing football.”

“Yeah, Bill will give me the game plan this week, blah, blah, blah,” Brady says. “It’s always the same: Cheat better.”

It’s been reported that the Patriots are preparing for Manning by putting back-up QB Jimmy Garoppolo in a wheelchair and making him throw with his left hand.

“I just hope Tom shaves before the game,” Manning adds. “Giselle might like kissing that scruff, but I don’t.”

 

Cincy Zoo Dyes Tigers To Escape Bengals Shame

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Cincinnati, OH — The Cincinnati Zoo today changed the color of its tigers in an attempt to distance the animals from the antics of the Cincinnati Bengals football team. The Bengals were narrowly defeated by the Pittsburgh Steelers, 18-16, in last Saturday’s NFL playoff contest, a loss due largely to crucial penalties against Bengals Vontaze Burfict and Adam Jones during the final minutes. The defeat marked the 217th consecutive time that the Bengals have lost in the first round of the playoffs under head coach Marvin Lewis.

“We feel that the conduct of the Bengals players does not reflect the character of our tigers,” explained head zookeeper Jack McSwiggin. “Therefore, we took steps to distance our animals from the football program.”

The tigers’ normally golden orange fur was dyed white and the black stripes carefully repainted by expendable interns. In addition, the big cats will no longer be referred to as “Bengal tigers,” but rather, “Non-football-playing felines of Indian descent.”

“We had to do something,” tiger keeper Valerie Bushman told reporters. “People were saying horrible things about Bengal tigers on social media — things they normally say about coyotes, or skunks, or Garfield.”

Apparently, the tigers could sense the public’s displeasure. “They wouldn’t come out of their cages yesterday,” Bushman said, “not even when I offered them Graeter’s ice cream. They haven’t been that depressed since they watched The Jungle Book.

On a positive note, the “white” tigers have been a big hit with zoo visitors. “We’re toying with the idea of getting a few more tigers and dyeing them, too,” McSwiggin said. “And how tough could it be to spray paint an elephant?”

 

 

 

 

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Middle School Years

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Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, wasn’t just like all the other bucks.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say,

‘Rudolph sucks! You are so freakin’ gay! Rudy the red-nosed gay-deer!’

 

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names [see above].

They used to taunt poor Rudolph, because he wasn’t good at phys ed games.

 

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,

‘Rudolph with your nose so bright, let’s forget I ignored the bullying so you can save my job tonight.’

 

Then all the reindeer were forced to tolerate him…for a moment…

As they shouted out with glee,

‘Rudolph the red-nosed gay-deer — oops! — we mean, rein-queer,

We’ll fill your high school years with misery!’

 

Kim Jong-un Again Named North Korea’s “Sexiest Man Alive”

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AP — North Korea’s celebrity magazine, Democratic People Embracing Socialism and Fighting Fascism While Wearing Best Clothes, has once again chosen President Kim Jong-un as its “Sexiest Man Alive.” Kim was previously named “SMA” in 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014and is already a heavy favorite to cop the title next year.

According to Democratic People, Kim has “the most sexual magnetism of any human alive, thanks to perfect understanding of socialism, perfect resistance to capitalist aggressors, and kissy baby lips.”

In addition, Kim is “so virile that, if he were not busy being perfect ruler to his dear people, our Great Leader could launch sperm missiles across the DMZ, devastating all birth control defenses, and knocking up every woman in decadent South Korea, even those he did not find attractive.”

As for how Kim compares to David Beckham, People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive 2015”: “Kim makes Beckham look like a Spice Boy with poopy pants.”

In this year’s Democratic People balloting, Kim finished first, while Kim’s hair came in a close second. Actor Matt Damon was a very distant third.

Violence Escalates in Bitter Rancic-Osbourne Vendetta

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Hollywood — A new blow was struck yesterday in the escalating conflict between former Fashion Police co-stars Kelly Osbourne and Giuliana Rancic. The LAPD reported that Osbourne’s henchmen kidnapped Rancic’s personal shopper, Sunny “Sonny” Vitello, on Rodeo Drive. They then drove her to Van Nuys, where they forced her into a Walmart. The traumatized Vitello was found two hours later, sobbing into a pair of jeans that, according to reliable sources, Rancic would not even put on her illegal Nicaraguan housekeeper/indentured servant/slave.

“Sonny’s had quite a shock,” said Rancic’s consigliere, Ed “The Stanford Law Grad” Regan. “She’ll live, I suppose, but she won’t be the same. Once you’ve been in Walmart, you’re never the same.”

Police speculate that the attack on Vitello was in retaliation for an incident last month, when Osbourne’s hairstylist, Rici “Rocky” D’Amore, was waylaid by Rancic associates and held captive in a Culver City apartment. There he was forced to watch an entire day of ESPN. D’Amore is still recovering from the severe injuries caused by exposure to ESPN‘s Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless.

The Rancic-Osbourne feud erupted over a remark Rancic made about actress Zendaya Coleman’s hairstyle at the Oscars, a remark that many construed as racist. When Osbourne failed to come to her co-star’s defense, Rancic declared, “Kelly broke my heart, just like Fredo.” Next morning, Osbourne, who has battled weight issues, awoke to find a box of powdered donuts in her bed.

Osbourne quickly fired back at Rancic. In an interview with Trailer Trash Weekly, Osbourne viciously attacked Rancic’s sense of style. “She has a body like a stripper pole and the wardrobe to match,” Osbourne said. Later that day, an anonymous caller sent 2 dozen stuffed crust pizzas — with extra cheese – to Osbourne’s home.

“This all blew up after Joan Rivers died,” said Capt. Marty Ingalls of the LAPD’s Organized Crime and Celebrity Spat Task Force. “Whenever there’s a regime change, everyone wants to settle old scores.”

Ingalls expects the feud to be prolonged and bloody. “Both sides are laying on extra publicists,” he said. “These babes are going to the mattresses.”

Kobe Mulls Jump To NCAA

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Los Angeles — This week, in a candid interview with Let’s Make A Deal host Wayne Brady, Laker legend Kobe Bryant revealed that he is seriously considering playing college basketball next season.

“It makes sense on so many levels,” Bryant explained. “I’m 36, so a 40-game season would be perfect for me. And with the Western Conference of the NBA getting stronger every year, it will only get harder for me to win another ring, especially with the lame-ass teammates I got now.”

Bryant, who jumped to the NBA straight out of high school, has always felt that he missed something by not going to college. “You know what I mean: hoisting that Final Four trophy, cutting classes, under-age boozing, banging drunk coeds — the things every kid dreams about.”

Which colleges are you looking at? Brady asked. “The usual suspects — Kentucky, North Carolina, Duke, Kansas. UCLA is my safety school. Basically, whichever program offers me the best contract. Right now I’m leaning toward Kentucky. I know they just lost their top seven guys, but Coach Cal is a great recruiter, so they’ll just reload. It would be nice to play with some NBA-caliber talent again.”

When Brady reminded Bryant that college athletes are not paid, the Laker star laughed heartily. “Yeah, and Shaq don’t hate my guts! Tell me another one.”

Asked about Kobe’s comments, Kentucky coach John Calipari acknowledged that the Wildcats are actively recruiting Bryant. “It’s just a matter of agreeing on his phony class schedule and ironing out the financial details with his agent,” Calipari said. “I’m sure the money will not be a problem. We’ll simply re-structure Ashley Judd’s contract.”

The Lakers refused to address the potential defection of Bryant. Said Lakers coach Byron Scott, “Right now our whole emphasis is on losing the rest of our games and solidifying our place in the lottery.”