New York — In a candid monologue with Crossburner Weekly, President-elect Donald Rump divulged that he is considering running for the position of Pope.
“I’ve been doing such an incredible job since my fantastic election,” Trump said, “that the country is already great again. So I’m bored. Fantastically bored. So I’m looking around for other things that I can make great again. Like the Papacy. Or Saturday Night Live.”
Rump stated that he would be “a fantastic pontiff. I look great in white. Nobody looks better in white than I do. I come home from the office and put on my Klan robes and I look totally papal, the most papal ever. White is my best color.”
The POTUS-elect did not believe that being married and a non-Catholic would be an impediment to his winning the papacy. “I wasn’t qualified to be President either,” Rump asserted, “and it didn’t change things a bit. People want change and I can deliver it. We’re going to have way better-looking nuns. Fantastic, supermodel nuns. In thongs.”
Rump concluded with perhaps his most stunning revelation. “I already have God’s endorsement, ” il Dunce said. “I had Him to dinner at my fantastically luxurious penthouse in amazing Trump Tower. Once He saw that I had more money than He did, He got on board. It’s gonna be an incredible honor to have Him working for Me.”
Informed of Trump’s intentions, current pontiff Francis 1 responded, “That culo can kiss my cuppolone.”
“It’s just an endless, mindless void,” the weary cell said. “I’ve been all over this place, and all I ever found was a file marked ‘Miss Ecuador: Cup size.’ I’m gonna try my luck in the spleen. I know he has one of those. Or maybe the anus. Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.”
Cape Canaveral, FL — NASA head Maj. Gen. Charles Borden announced today that the space agency will “pay any price, bear any burden” to put Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Mars by the end of next week.
“We don’t have all the details worked out yet,” Borden said. “But, basically, we’re going to get the biggest big-ass rocket we can find on Ebay, point it at Mars, and blast Trump into space.” NASA, funding for which has been severely reduced in recent years, has already launched a Kickstarter to fund the project.
NASA had planned to put a man on Mars sometime around 2030, but “It’s become increasingly obvious,” Borden stated, “that the next step in advancing the course of civilization is to get Trump the hell off this planet.”
In response, Trump tweeted: “That rocket had better be huge. Huuuge. Like my hands, which can hold ten or twenty penises at one time.”
In a related story, NASA announced that Mars, formerly known as “the Red Planet,” will now be called, “That Giant Orange Hairball.”
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, wasn’t just like all the other bucks.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say,
‘Rudolph sucks! You are so freakin’ gay! Rudy the red-nosed gay-deer!’
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names [see above].
They used to taunt poor Rudolph, because he wasn’t good at phys ed games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
‘Rudolph with your nose so bright, let’s forget I ignored the bullying so you can save my job tonight.’
Then all the reindeer were forced to tolerate him…for a moment…
As they shouted out with glee,
‘Rudolph the red-nosed gay-deer — oops! — we mean, rein-queer,
We’ll fill your high school years with misery!’
AP — North Korea’s celebrity magazine, Democratic People Embracing Socialism and Fighting Fascism While Wearing Best Clothes, has once again chosen President Kim Jong-un as its “Sexiest Man Alive.” Kim was previously named “SMA” in 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014, and is already a heavy favorite to cop the title next year.
According to Democratic People, Kim has “the most sexual magnetism of any human alive, thanks to perfect understanding of socialism, perfect resistance to capitalist aggressors, and kissy baby lips.”
In addition, Kim is “so virile that, if he were not busy being perfect ruler to his dear people, our Great Leader could launch sperm missiles across the DMZ, devastating all birth control defenses, and knocking up every woman in decadent South Korea, even those he did not find attractive.”
As for how Kim compares to David Beckham, People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive 2015”: “Kim makes Beckham look like a Spice Boy with poopy pants.”
In this year’s Democratic People balloting, Kim finished first, while Kim’s hair came in a close second. Actor Matt Damon was a very distant third.
No matter which franchise you patronize, your fast food server will never tell you any of the following:
— what your meal would cost in Renaissance florins
— that your children will never amount to anything
— “That comes with a side of meth.”
— when, or if, you will ever get over Downton Abbey
— that he/she wants you “right here, on the counter, no questions asked, no strings attached”
— that you should have someone check that mole on your back
— whether Keanu Reeves will ever get a role that allows him to show the full range of his acting ability
— that for an extra $5 he/she can hook you up with some actual food
— if your marriage is in trouble, or if, as your wife says, that contract she put out on you was just “a silly mix-up”
— that he/she likes “to touch things with my nose.”