Brady, Belichick Beat Ban With Mind Games

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Foxborough, MA — Patriots QB Tom Brady and Coach Bill Belichick are still talking…but it’s all in their heads.

Sources inside the New England Patriots organization have confirmed that — in defiance of the NFL’s ban on communication — Brady and Belichick have remained in mind contact during Brady’s 4-game suspension.

Said an unnamed assistant coach, “Sometimes we’ll be in a meeting with Bill and he’ll go all quiet and get this faraway look and this slight smile — and we know that right then he’s talking with Tom in his head. Or he’s thinking about cutting somebody. That also makes him smile.”

While most of the psychic conversation centers on football, at times Belichick and Brady share funny thought memes involving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, or simply discuss what makes a good conditioner.

Insiders report that this psychic link actually annoys Brady’s wife, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. “Sometimes we’ll be sharing an intimate moment,” Bundchen complained to a friend, “and, instead of adjusting the straps the way I like them, Tom will be ESP-chatting with Bill about the Dolphins blitz package. And, when Tom wears his helmet, it gets even worse!”

The NFL has allegedly investigated these rumors, but to date they have picked up little from Belichick’s brain except traces of rapper Chamillionaire’s 2006  hit “Ridin'”.

 

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This Cat Found a Bird With a Broken Wing. What It Did Will Astound You…

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Believe it or not, the cat — Mittens — gently grasped the injured bird in her jaws, then carried it into the house and placed it softly in the cat’s very own bed. From that day on, Mittens treated the bird as if it were her own offspring. She groomed the bird’s feathers with her tongue. She nudged the bird cautiously toward her water bowl, so the bird could drink. With her paw, Mittens nourished the injured bird with seeds that she herself had collected from the flower garden. At night, the two creatures shared a bed, the cat lovingly enfolding the bird with her furry tail. Finally, when the day arrived that the bird’s wing was completely healed and it was capable of flying away, Mittens pounced on the bird and tore it to pieces. It’s astounding how evil cats can be.

 

 

As Wife Ditches Implants, Hef Scrambles To Find Pre-nup

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Hollywood, CA — Crystal Hefner’s decision to have her implants removed for health reasons has Hugh Hefner turning the Playboy Mansion upside down in a frantic search for the couple’s pre-nuptial agreement.

“I know it’s around here somewhere,” Hef offered, as he searched through his massive Playboy files. “The problem is, I keep getting distracted. Hey, here’s some tits I forgot about!”

Hefner confided that the “pre-nip, oops — pre-nup” is 400 pages of legal jargon like “alienation of affection” and “two quick swipes shall not constitute a hand-job.” Most of all, “…it says my wife has to have a rack I can ride like a pony.”

While Hefner’s search has not yet produced the vital document, it did uncover a bevy of 1990s Playmates living in the back-up orgy bunker beneath the mansion. “At first, I thought maybe we could save them,” Hef observed. “But they were beyond airbrushing. So I had them put down.”

Although Hefner is saddened by his wife’s decision to reduce her breasts, he remains optimistic. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “Whatever her bra size, I will always love Crystal. I just won’t love her as much as my next wife. The one with the knockers.”

Notre Dame To Move Holtz Statue To Someplace Bitter

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Notre Dame, IN — Embarrassed by the anti-immigrant remarks of former Irish coach Lou Holtz, the University of Notre Dame today announced that it will be re-locating Holtz’s statue. That bronze tribute, currently located outside Notre Dame Stadium, will be moved to a place “less public and more bitter, until Coach Holtz has time to reflect on his comments and get his medication adjusted.”

Holtz, who led the Fighting Irish to their last national title in 1988, recently told a Republican crowd that he was worried that an immigrant “invasion” might force him to celebrate strange, foreign holidays in addition to our native celebrations, such as Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day.  The former coach also stated that we must be careful not to admit terrorists, unless they have good hands and run a 4.3 in the forty.

As for the statue, it will be placed in the university maintenance shed that houses other less-laudable relics of Notre Dame football, including George Gipp’s gambling debts and the imaginary coaching skills of Charlie Weis.

 

James Desperately Trying To Switch Teams Before Game 3

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Cleveland, OH — Anonymous sources inside both the Cleveland and Golden State locker rooms have confirmed that LeBron James has instructed his agent to go to any lengths to get the Cavs superstar a deal with the Warriors before game 3 of the NBA Finals in Cleveland on Wednesday night.

James was overheard speaking angrily to his agent after the Warriors crushed the Cavaliers in game 2 Sunday night, leaving the Cavs in an 0-2 hole.

“Just get me on the Dubs!” James was heard to say. “I’ll take a cut in pay. Hell, I’ll pay them! I’ll let Draymond kick me in my damn crotch! Just get me a deal before Wednesday. I need more rings to secure my legacy. I ain’t going down again with this punkbitch ship!”

James was reportedly quite upset with the performance of his teammates, including Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love. Both of those players missed last year’s finals against Golden State due to injuries. Having them healthy this year was supposed to make the Cavs competitive with the defending champs.  But it hasn’t turned out that way.

“Hell, I won two games last year by my damn-ass self!” James ranted. “If I can’t join the Warriors, then I might as well play them one-on-five. Can’t get no worse!”

Love left Sunday night’s game with a possible concussion. The league office reiterated that Love did not display any unusual symptoms during halftime, other than repeatedly telling the same ‘knock-knock’ joke in the voice of a little girl.

When asked about the James rumors, Cavs forward J.R. Smith said, “Bron do what he do, man. I just know I got to play better, if I want to get interviewed by Doris Burke. Man, that woman is the donut AND the sprinkles. You got any weed?”

 

Reds Looking Forward To Crappy Season

votto Joey Votto, enigmatic star

“We have a great opportunity to show our young fans what it takes to be eliminated early.”

phillipsBrandon Phillips, untradeable veteran

“Usually I have to stay interested until the All-Star break. But this year the pressure’s off.”

bruceJay Bruce, disappointment

“At least there will be plenty of tickets available for my family and friends, if I can persuade them to watch this mess.”

baileyHomer Bailey, Christian Bayle stunt double

“Coasting through meaningless games means I won’t blow out my arm until August.”

cozartZack Cozart, team member

“This should be a great year for the concessions people. I mean, if you’re coming to one of our games, you’re going to want to drink heavily.”

priceBryan Price, sacrificial manager

“I don’t look at this as a lost season. I see this as a chance to get paid very well for failing miserably.  Also, I’ll have time to sit on the bench and update my resume’.”

rosePete Rose, mental

“It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s whether the league office finds out about it.”

Downton Abbey: The End After The End

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Downton Abbey concluded its stately run with the family and their servants ringing in 1926. But what happened after that?

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As he grew older, Lord Grantham became increasingly withdrawn, due to his disgust with the modern world. For the final ten years of his life — he died in 1942 — he would say only “Quite” and “Bates, I’m ready for my wanking.”

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As Lord Grantham became more bitter and enfeebled, his wife Cora became more and more a woman of the world, traveling frequently to Spain and Italy on humanitarian missions. On a trip to Florence in 1937, she was surprised by an orgasm. She never returned to Downton.

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Lady Mary and her second husband had two children — Sybil and Robert — before her penis put a damper on their romance. After Dunkirk, Lady Mary announced that, if the Germans invaded, she would peremptorily refuse all of their dinner invitations. For this she was decorated by the King. She died grudgingly in 1962. Her body refused to decompose.

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Despite a loving husband, six bright, healthy children and a life of privilege and ease, Lady Edith just couldn’t — in her words — “get my happy freak on.” In 1952 her exasperated family finally had her committed to the St. Alban’s Home for the Terminally Mopey. Her sister, Lady Mary, never visited her, though Mary did send a card to Edith every year to mark Marigold’s birthday. The card always said the same thing: “Happy Bastard’s Day, Slut.”

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When Tom Branson’s car company failed during the Great Depression, he returned to the United States, where he became a beloved character actor, often appearing on The Love Boat and Barney Miller. He is perhaps best remembered for creating the role of Louie DePalma in the Broadway version of Taxi. 

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Isobel Crawley married Lord Merton and they shared her clothing for many happy years. In her nineties she became a regular on the British version of Hollywood Squares.

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Palsy forced Carson the butler to retire from service, but he continued to appear daily at the Abbey, where he kept a stern eye on the conduct of the staff. In the end, they were forced to drive him away by pelting him with an assortment of scones and puddings. He died from a severe attack of probity in 1930.

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Mrs. Hughes/Mrs. Carson left Downton following the death of her husband. She moved to London, where she sat in Hyde Park all day, feeding the pigeons and soliciting sailors, because, as she put it, she “was entitled to have a little fun after being stuck with that ham-faced fussbudget butler for the best part of my damn life.”

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Thomas Barrow succeeded Carson as butler and served with distinction until Lady Mary caught him singing Broadway show tunes with her son George. In 1962 Barrow discovered that what he had thought were “homosexual longings” was in fact just “that old English silliness”; sadly, by then it was too late.

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Mrs. Patmore did eventually marry Mr. Mason and they became Downton’s official “Cutest Couple”, often pinching each other’s bottoms and stealing a quick kiss. This lasted until 1935, when Mrs. Patmore got fed up with Mason’s “handsyness” and brained him with a saucepan. She spent the rest if her life cooking in Dartmoor Prison.

bates

Bates continued to serve as Lord Grantham’s valet until His Lordship passed away. After that, he spent most of his time devising the death of any man who made eyes at his wife, Anna, which, he admitted, was “a more interesting hobby than gardening.”

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Anna remained Lady Mary’s maid and confidante, which eventually allowed her to blackmail that cold-hearted bitch for many thousands of pounds. Anna used the money to establish a chain of highly-successful assertiveness clinics.

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Daisy married Andy the footman and they had three sons. During the Second World War, Andy and his pigs became involved in a top secret British project involving rocket-powered swine. Tragically, Andy was killed when one of the pigs exploded upon take-off. Overcome with grief, Daisy took her children to Liverpool, where she saw to it that they received a first-class education. Later, one of her sons became the first person to sell drugs to John Lennon and Paul McCartney.

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Molesly became a highly-respected schoolmaster in Downton. In his later years, he wrote a three-volume history of Downton Abbey, which became the basis for an enormously popular TV series on PBS, from which he earned not one stinking farthing.

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Baxter refused Mr. Molesly’s offer of marriage, saying that he “wasn’t enough of a bad boy for my liking.” She took to drink and was dismissed after being found in a compromising position with a suit of armor.

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The Dowager Countess out-lived them all, finally passing away in 1987 at the age of 108. Of her family and their servants, she often mused, “They were all twits, you know, the whole bloody lot of them.”

Trump Unveils Plans For Massive Royal Tomb

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New York City — Republican candidate Donald Trump today took time off from campaigning to announce that he has selected New York’s Central Park as the site for his enormous royal tomb.

“I chose this date, because this is the day when that English guy opened King Tut’s tomb,” Trump revealed. “I could buy and sell King Tut like a million times over. So this is big, big news. Like my tomb, which is gonna be huge. HUGE! It’ll make those Egyptian pyramids look like Monopoly hotels.”

Trump said that he is negotiating with the city of New York to purchase most of Central Park for a tomb complex that will include his enormous burial pyramid, a hotel/casino, shopping mall, movie theaters, hair and nail salon, and the Trump Museum, “that will be better than all the Smithsonians and Louvres with their old history crap and crap paintings.”

“This will be huge for New York,” Trump added, “because my tomb is gonna be the most famous in the world, more famous than Napoleon’s or Jesus’. Even the restrooms are gonna be more famous. And I’ll have a better gift shop, too. All our nut logs will be top quality. The Jesus store won’t be able to touch it.”

Trump indicated that, if and when he decides to die, all of his employees will be entombed with him, along with enough hot women to last for eternity.

 

 

 

Bengals Enjoying Off-Season Habitat at Cincinnati Zoo

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Cincinnati, OH — The 2015 NFL season is finally history, and no team is happier than the Cincinnati Bengals. With the season over, the team has moved its players into their traditional off-season habitat at the Cincinnati Zoo.

“You can see how glad they are to be back,” said zoo director Jack McSwiggin. “This morning, I spent an hour watching Domata Peko chase Vontaze Burfict around and around the rocks in the enclosure. They were having a ball!”

Tight end Tyler Eifert echoed McSwiggin’s sentiments. “After the grind of a long season, we really look forward to laying around, licking ourselves,” Eifert said. “We might even splash through the artificial pond or fight over a stick. You know, all the little things that can carry a team to the Super Bowl.”

The Bengals spend most of the day outdoors, even in bad weather, when it’s not unusual to see QB Andy Dalton and WR A.J. Green playfully tossing snowballs. But at night, the players are moved indoors to special sleeping pens, where they snuggle together for warmth.

“For fans, watching the Bengals at the zoo is much more enjoyable than watching them lose in the first round of the playoffs again,” McSwiggin stated. “During these cold winter months, many of the players are at their most active, especially the offensive linemen. We encourage everyone to stop by and see the Bengals at their best.”

Bengals GM Mike Brown announced that, due to budget cuts, the Bengals coaches are spending the off-season at a Cincinnati animal shelter, where they are available for adoption.