Reds Looking Forward To Crappy Season

votto Joey Votto, enigmatic star

“We have a great opportunity to show our young fans what it takes to be eliminated early.”

phillipsBrandon Phillips, untradeable veteran

“Usually I have to stay interested until the All-Star break. But this year the pressure’s off.”

bruceJay Bruce, disappointment

“At least there will be plenty of tickets available for my family and friends, if I can persuade them to watch this mess.”

baileyHomer Bailey, Christian Bayle stunt double

“Coasting through meaningless games means I won’t blow out my arm until August.”

cozartZack Cozart, team member

“This should be a great year for the concessions people. I mean, if you’re coming to one of our games, you’re going to want to drink heavily.”

priceBryan Price, sacrificial manager

“I don’t look at this as a lost season. I see this as a chance to get paid very well for failing miserably. ¬†Also, I’ll have time to sit on the bench and update my resume’.”

rosePete Rose, mental

“It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s whether the league office finds out about it.”