Brady, Belichick Beat Ban With Mind Games

images-5

Foxborough, MA — Patriots QB Tom Brady and Coach Bill Belichick are still talking…but it’s all in their heads.

Sources inside the New England Patriots organization have confirmed that — in defiance of the NFL’s ban on communication — Brady and Belichick have remained in mind contact during Brady’s 4-game suspension.

Said an unnamed assistant coach, “Sometimes we’ll be in a meeting with Bill and he’ll go all quiet and get this faraway look and this slight smile — and we know that right then he’s talking with Tom in his head. Or he’s thinking about cutting somebody. That also makes him smile.”

While most of the psychic conversation centers on football, at times Belichick and Brady share funny thought memes involving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, or simply discuss what makes a good conditioner.

Insiders report that this psychic link actually annoys Brady’s wife, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. “Sometimes we’ll be sharing an intimate moment,” Bundchen complained to a friend, “and, instead of adjusting the straps the way I like them, Tom will be ESP-chatting with Bill about the Dolphins blitz package. And, when Tom wears his helmet, it gets even worse!”

The NFL has allegedly investigated these rumors, but to date they have picked up little from Belichick’s brain except traces of rapper Chamillionaire’s 2006  hit “Ridin'”.

 

Brady, Manning Anxious About Post-Game Kiss

images

AP — As quarterbacks Tom Brady and Peyton Manning prepare to face off once again in this Sunday’s AFC Championship game, what is their biggest concern? The defenses they will face? The weather in Denver?

“That post-game kiss,” Manning says, with a wry smile. “We’ve been doing it now for I don’t know how many years, and it still makes me nervous.”

Brady echoes the thoughts of his rival. “It’s still kind of awkward, even though we’ve tried to practice it off the field. Do I go right or left? Do I take his hand at the same time? Will there be tongue?”

Manning admits that, any time he faces the Patriots, he spends hours reviewing tape of past smooches between himself and Brady. “You’re always looking for a little advantage. Like, does Tom close one eye or both before he leans in? Does he leave his helmet on? Details like that can be the difference between a good kiss and a season-ending lip injury.”

Manning has long been considered one of the greatest regular season post-game kissers, but in the playoffs, his lips have often let him down. “His lips get dry and chapped in the post-season,” said an NFL scout, “whereas Brady’s lips are always smooth and baby soft, even outdoors in January.”

“I have to go easy on Peyton now,” Brady says, with a grin. “It used to be, after we’d shellacked the Colts yet again, I’d bend Peyton backwards and really lay one on him. But that was before all the neck surgery. Now I usually just kind of brush his lips with mine.”

Neither quarterback feels that these concerns distract from their actual game preparation. “Belichick’s already stolen whatever game plan we have, plus all my signals and audibles,” Manning concedes. “I think he even has my Netflix password. Anyway, there’s really no point in practicing football.”

“Yeah, Bill will give me the game plan this week, blah, blah, blah,” Brady says. “It’s always the same: Cheat better.”

It’s been reported that the Patriots are preparing for Manning by putting back-up QB Jimmy Garoppolo in a wheelchair and making him throw with his left hand.

“I just hope Tom shaves before the game,” Manning adds. “Giselle might like kissing that scruff, but I don’t.”

 

Goodell Hopes Pope Can Exorcise Belichick

images-2

New York City — Commissioner Roger Goodell today told reporters that the NFL has high hopes that Pope Francis will have time during his U.S. visit to perform an exorcism on New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

“At this point,” Goodell said, “we are 99% certain that Belichick has been possessed by one of Satan’s minions, or perhaps even Satan himself. Probably the latter. I mean, this guy is off-the-charts evil.”

The NFL has already presented the evidence of possession to the Pope’s emissaries. The evidence is said to consist of the Spygate and Deflategate material, along with the unholy circumstances surrounding the infamous “tuck play” that eventually led to the Patriots’ first Super Bowl title. There is also a page from the Patriots playbook which reveals that their “Hail Mary” pass play is called “The Hitch and Go to Our Beloved Master, the All-Conquering Prince of Darkness.”

An unnamed Vatican source, however, has stated that the Pope is unlikely to gratify Goodell’s request. “His Holiness will be very busy during this visit,” the source is quoted as saying. “He already must face the U.S. Congress. How many demons can one Pope handle?” Besides, the source continued, “Francis has Tom Brady on his fantasy team. No way is His Holiness screwing with that.”

New England has historically been an area plagued by demonic infestations, as evidenced by the notorious Salem witch trials and the popular TV show Murder, She Wrote, starring Broadway, film, and TV icon Angela Lansbury.

Goodell: Brady To Face Raptors in Fight to Death

images

NFL Throne Room, New York — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that he is rescinding Patriot QB Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for his part in “Deflategate.” Instead, Brady will have the chance to prove his innocence by surviving a fight to the death with a pack of vicious velociraptors.  Brady will face the deadly dinosaurs armed only with his rifle arm and a bin full of footballs, all of them inflated to approved NFL specifications.

According to Goodell, the trial will take place Sunday, July 19 at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. FoxSports will televise the event, with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman providing the commentary, along with a special pre-game performance by Britney Spears.

Asked about Brady’s chances, ESPN NFL analyst Jon Gruden stated, “I like Tom Brady. Always have. Let me tell you, that guy is one great football player. I mean, nobody plays the position at a higher level than Tom Brady. But he’s a dead man.”

At a joint news conference with Pats Coach Bill Belichick, Patriots owner Robert Kraft said, “We stand behind Tom Brady one hundred percent. But I have seen Tom run, and I am putting my money on the raptors.” Added Belichick, “Basically, this will save me the trouble of cutting him.”

Brady is reported to be in Brazil, training for the contest with Chris Pratt, star of the mega-blockbuster hit Jurassic World (in theaters everywhere).

Pats Use ‘Inviso-ball,’ Crush Seahawks

tom-bradyPats QB Brady launches invisible pass.

Feb 1, 2015 — The Seattle Seahawks never saw this coming…or going…or at all.

The New England Patriots, armed with malevolent Bill Belichick’s latest, highly-suspect innovation — the “Inviso-ball” — routed the Seattle Seahawks, 122-35, securing a fourth Super Bowl ring.  The “Inviso-ball,” which could only be seen by Patriots players and coaches, completely befuddled the Seahawk defenders, who later admitted that they had not game-planned for “no crazy-ass ghost ball.”

Patriots QB Tom Brady, named Super Bowl MVP, logged a record-setting performance, including an astounding 17 TDs and 45 of 46 passes completed.  Brady’s only miss occurred with 6:14 left in the game, when he informed the refs that he had thrown a ball completely out of University of Phoenix stadium. “Got a little too amped up on that throw,” Brady explained after the contest. “I really should have completed it. The receiver was open. We just weren’t on the same blank page.”

NBC announcers Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth continually raved about Brady’s exploits, Collinsworth calling it “probably the greatest performance I have ever not really witnessed.”

The satanic Belichick added to Seattle’s confusion by employing anywhere from 5 to 15 eligible receivers on every play, leaving the Seahawks’ vaunted “Legion of Boom” thoroughly exasperated and overmatched.  CB Richard Sherman expressed the frustration of his fellow defenders, saying, “I don’t care what the stats say, man. I know I intercepted five or six of them invisible passes. I’m All-World. Pats ain’t s–t.”

In desperation, the Seattle defenders began tackling any and every Patriot player, including those on the sidelines. This led to a rash of penalties totaling 630 yards, a Super Bowl record. In contrast, the Pats were flagged twice for being offsides and once for acting all “lah-dee-dah.”

The freedom-hating Belichick did not take his foot off the gas until late in the fourth quarter, when, with a comfortable 119-28 lead, Pats’ kicker Stephen Gostkowski attempted an invisible 83-yard field goal, which apparently split the uprights. “That might have been good from 93,” Al Michaels observed.

Seattle coach Pete Carroll repeatedly protested the Pats’ use of the invisible ball. However, after a one-hour confab at midfield, the officials declared that there was no rule that specifically prohibited it. At the post-game press conference, Carroll admitted that the Seahawks should have brought their own invisible balls to use in the game.  “It was just an oversight,” Carroll said, going for a laugh. “Our players are as good as anybody at playing with invisible balls. We’ll learn from this and move on.”

Regarding his latest shady stratagem, the Ebola-loving Belichick said, “It’s in the rules. Or it should be. Basically, I ignore the rules anyway. The rules can bite me. We’re on to DisneyWorld.”