New York City — Commissioner Roger Goodell today told reporters that the NFL has high hopes that Pope Francis will have time during his U.S. visit to perform an exorcism on New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.
“At this point,” Goodell said, “we are 99% certain that Belichick has been possessed by one of Satan’s minions, or perhaps even Satan himself. Probably the latter. I mean, this guy is off-the-charts evil.”
The NFL has already presented the evidence of possession to the Pope’s emissaries. The evidence is said to consist of the Spygate and Deflategate material, along with the unholy circumstances surrounding the infamous “tuck play” that eventually led to the Patriots’ first Super Bowl title. There is also a page from the Patriots playbook which reveals that their “Hail Mary” pass play is called “The Hitch and Go to Our Beloved Master, the All-Conquering Prince of Darkness.”
An unnamed Vatican source, however, has stated that the Pope is unlikely to gratify Goodell’s request. “His Holiness will be very busy during this visit,” the source is quoted as saying. “He already must face the U.S. Congress. How many demons can one Pope handle?” Besides, the source continued, “Francis has Tom Brady on his fantasy team. No way is His Holiness screwing with that.”
New England has historically been an area plagued by demonic infestations, as evidenced by the notorious Salem witch trials and the popular TV show Murder, She Wrote, starring Broadway, film, and TV icon Angela Lansbury.
New York, NY — U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman today invalidated the NFL’s four-game suspension of Tom Brady due to Brady’s alleged involvement in the “Deflategate” scandal.
Speaking for millions of American football fans who embrace and/or deny their true romantic feelings for the Patriot signal caller, Judge Richard “I Wannabe Chris” Berman declared that, in his opinion, “no man with such chiseled good looks, a boyish smile, and fabulous hair could possibly be capable of doing the bad things that the NFL had alleged.”
Berman continued, “The league did not present one shred of evidence that could withstand the twinkle in Brady’s eyes. If I had a son, or better yet, a pool boy, I would want him to be just like Tom Brady.”
Sources inside NFL headquarters have said that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who sleeps with a picture of Brady beside his pillow, was extremely conflicted about the investigation. Prior to “Deflategate”, Goodell had often praised Brady as one of the prettiest quarterbacks ever to walk a runway at an NFL charity fashion show or do a spread in GQ.
In a related story, the NYPD has not identified the man who was seen letting the air out of the tires on Roger Goodell’s limo. The suspect has been described as “a tall man with movie-star looks that would melt a blitzing linebacker.” An NYPD spokesman immediately confirmed that Peyton Manning is not a suspect.
New York City — The agent for Patriots QB Tom Brady announced today that Brady will use his entire facial arsenal to fight any suspension imposed by the NFL for his alleged role in the Deflategate scandal.
“Tom is ready to go all in with his with face on this fight,” agent Don Yee said. “The pouty lips, those bedroom eyes, that manly, George Michael scruff — Tom has it all, and he’s not afraid to use it. And don’t even get me started on his hair. Does Roger Goodell have a coif like that? I don’t think so.”
Would Brady even dial up his boyish smile? “Tom’s a competitor,” Yee said. “He’ll do whatever it takes to win…except deflate the footballs, right?”
Yee also promised that Brady would pursue legal action if his entire suspension is not lifted. “We’ll definitely sue the NFL,” Yee declared. “We have complete confidence that Tom would be fully exonerated by a jury of women and gay men.”
According to inside sources at the league office, NFL commissioner Goodell responded to these threats by immediately scheduling a makeover.
NFL Throne Room, New York — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that he is rescinding Patriot QB Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for his part in “Deflategate.” Instead, Brady will have the chance to prove his innocence by surviving a fight to the death with a pack of vicious velociraptors. Brady will face the deadly dinosaurs armed only with his rifle arm and a bin full of footballs, all of them inflated to approved NFL specifications.
According to Goodell, the trial will take place Sunday, July 19 at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. FoxSports will televise the event, with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman providing the commentary, along with a special pre-game performance by Britney Spears.
Asked about Brady’s chances, ESPN NFL analyst Jon Gruden stated, “I like Tom Brady. Always have. Let me tell you, that guy is one great football player. I mean, nobody plays the position at a higher level than Tom Brady. But he’s a dead man.”
At a joint news conference with Pats Coach Bill Belichick, Patriots owner Robert Kraft said, “We stand behind Tom Brady one hundred percent. But I have seen Tom run, and I am putting my money on the raptors.” Added Belichick, “Basically, this will save me the trouble of cutting him.”
Brady is reported to be in Brazil, training for the contest with Chris Pratt, star of the mega-blockbuster hit Jurassic World (in theaters everywhere).