POTUS-Elect Rump Considers Run For Pope

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New York — In a candid monologue with Crossburner Weekly, President-elect Donald Rump divulged that he is considering running for the position of Pope.

“I’ve been doing such an incredible job since my fantastic election,” Trump said, “that the country is already great again. So I’m bored. Fantastically bored. So I’m looking around for other things that I can make great again. Like the Papacy. Or Saturday Night Live.

Rump stated that he would be “a fantastic pontiff. I look great in white. Nobody looks better in white than I do. I come home from the office and put on my Klan robes and I look totally papal, the most papal ever. White is my best color.”

The POTUS-elect did not believe that being married and a non-Catholic would be an impediment to his winning the papacy. “I wasn’t qualified to be President either,” Rump asserted, “and it didn’t change things a bit. People want change and I can deliver it. We’re going to have way better-looking nuns. Fantastic, supermodel nuns. In thongs.”

Rump concluded with perhaps his most stunning revelation. “I already have God’s endorsement, ” il Dunce said. “I had Him to dinner at my fantastically luxurious penthouse in amazing Trump Tower. Once He saw that I had more money than He did, He got on board. It’s gonna be an incredible honor to have Him working for Me.”

Informed of Trump’s intentions, current pontiff Francis 1 responded, “That culo can kiss my cuppolone.

 

Potential Tumor Tired of Searching Trump’s Head for Signs of Brain

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“It’s just an endless, mindless void,” the weary cell said. “I’ve been all over this place, and all I ever found was a file marked ‘Miss Ecuador: Cup size.’ I’m gonna try my luck in the spleen. I know he has one of those. Or maybe the anus. Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.”

NASA Hopes to Put Trump on Mars by End of Next Week

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Cape Canaveral, FL — NASA head Maj. Gen. Charles Borden announced today that the space agency will “pay any price, bear any burden” to put Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Mars by the end of next week.

“We don’t have all the details worked out yet,” Borden said. “But, basically, we’re going to get the biggest big-ass rocket we can find on Ebay, point it at Mars, and blast Trump into space.” NASA, funding for which has been severely reduced in recent years, has already launched a Kickstarter to fund the project.

NASA had planned to put a man on Mars sometime around 2030, but “It’s become increasingly obvious,” Borden stated, “that the next step in advancing the course of civilization is to get Trump the hell off this planet.”

In response, Trump tweeted: “That rocket had better be huge. Huuuge. Like my hands, which can hold ten or twenty penises at one time.”

In a related story, NASA announced that Mars, formerly known as “the Red Planet,” will now be called, “That Giant Orange Hairball.”

 

Trump Unveils Plans For Massive Royal Tomb

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New York City — Republican candidate Donald Trump today took time off from campaigning to announce that he has selected New York’s Central Park as the site for his enormous royal tomb.

“I chose this date, because this is the day when that English guy opened King Tut’s tomb,” Trump revealed. “I could buy and sell King Tut like a million times over. So this is big, big news. Like my tomb, which is gonna be huge. HUGE! It’ll make those Egyptian pyramids look like Monopoly hotels.”

Trump said that he is negotiating with the city of New York to purchase most of Central Park for a tomb complex that will include his enormous burial pyramid, a hotel/casino, shopping mall, movie theaters, hair and nail salon, and the Trump Museum, “that will be better than all the Smithsonians and Louvres with their old history crap and crap paintings.”

“This will be huge for New York,” Trump added, “because my tomb is gonna be the most famous in the world, more famous than Napoleon’s or Jesus’. Even the restrooms are gonna be more famous. And I’ll have a better gift shop, too. All our nut logs will be top quality. The Jesus store won’t be able to touch it.”

Trump indicated that, if and when he decides to die, all of his employees will be entombed with him, along with enough hot women to last for eternity.

 

 

 

God “Kind of Bummed” About All the Hate and Slaughter

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Jerusalem — In a revealing interview with newsman and serial-interrupter Charlie Rose, the Supreme Being admitted to having regrets about the three major religions He created. “Yeah, I’m kind of bummed,” He admitted. “I mean, I started Judaism, Christianity, and Islam because I wanted to do some good here on Earth, and basically they’ve all three come back to bite Me on My Omnipotent Ass. Not that” —

“So,” Rose interrupted, “You’re saying that the massacres of the Old Testament, the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the slaughters of the Arab conquest, of Tamurlane, the Thirty Years War, the Sunni-Shia conflict, the burning of witches and heretics, Mel Gibson — that’s all on You.”

“Well, maybe not that last one, but” —

“The Troubles in Ireland,” Rose continued, “the ethnic cleansing in the Balkans, the Holocaust, the atrocities in Lebanon, the terrorist bombings, the pogroms, the slavery condoned by the Bible, the persecution of homosexuals on religious grounds, the sexual predations of the clergy, the appalling number of men, women, and children killed and captured in Your Name, the Left Behind movies — all Your Responsibility.”

“Well, maybe not that last thing, but” —

“Tell us,” Rose interjected. “Tell us what it is that You’d be saying to the people You created, if I weren’t constantly interrupting to show that I know what You’re saying as well or better than You do.”

“Can I really talk?” God asked.

“Of course,” Rose replied. “That’s why I’m here, to listen to what You have to say and then tell You what You said in a way that says it even more cogently than it could be said by a Supreme Being or even a highly-acclaimed scientist or film director. Go on.”

God sighed. “Basically, I think I just effed up with this whole religion thing. I meant it for good, and sometimes it does work that way, but…in My Wildest Omniscience, I never thought it would end up like this. All the fighting, all the hate. And that’s on Me. As I made Harry Truman say, ‘The buck stops here.’ Just don’t blame me for Mel Gibson. Or Ted Cruz. Or”–

“Donald Trump?” Rose interrupted.

God wept. “Man, I got a lot of explaining to do.”

Trump Would Boost American Supermodels

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New York — In a candid interview with Billionaire Boys Life magazine, Republican front-runner Donald Trump stressed that one of his first priorities as President would be to increase the supply of American supermodels.

“It’s a national disgrace,” Trump said. “Here we are, a nation of like fifty billion people, which, by coincidence, is also the amount of money I have, and yet all the hot Victoria’s Secret models come from Brazil and other countries that have less money than me.”

For Trump, this is just another example of foreign workers taking American jobs.  “They model our clothes, they marry our Tom Bradys, they become the mistresses of American millionaires. I myself have been forced to boink numerous hot foreign models numerous times, and every one of them was hotter than the next, believe me. And they loved it, because The Donald makes love like he makes money — like a machine. But I’d much rather screw an American any day. If I’m elected, you’ll be seeing a lot more that.”

Trump’s approval rating immediately jumped seven points, his message resonating most with middle-aged white males who feel they would have a shot at nailing a supermodel, if President Obama were not a Muslim.

Trump Blasts Disney For Slighting American Cartoon Actors

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Garden City, IA — In a Labor Day campaign appearance, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump attacked the Walt Disney Company for repeatedly giving plum cartoon roles to foreigners.  “It’s a pattern,” Trump said. “And a crime. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella — all not Americans. That frigid princess, the hot harem chick, that chick in the clam bikini — more not Americans.”

And the problem is not just with the starring female roles. “Are you telling me Yogi couldn’t have played that bear in The Jungle Book? And what about The Lion King? Garfield would have been perfect for that farting pig.”

But didn’t Disney animate Native Americans in Pocahontas? “Irrelevant,” Trump replied. “I’m talking about movie jobs for real cartoon Americans, not those who just happened to be living in this great country when the European Americans arrived. For cryin’ out loud, those native characters didn’t even know they were living in America!”

Trump stated that, if he is elected, he will order the INS to begin an investigation of all Disney animated characters. “It wouldn’t surprise me if the entire cast of The Emperor’s New Groove was in this country illegally,” Trump said.

Trump’s Tough Talk Diverts Killer Asteroid

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Somewhere in the hearts of America — Donald Trump revealed today that it was his tough stance on celestial immigration that turned away an asteroid that would have struck the earth this September, taking American jobs and causing widespread chaos and destruction on a par with his campaign for the Republican nomination.

“I don’t mince words,” Trump declared. “I don’t pussyfoot and mealy-mouth around like politicians with less money and hair. I told that asteroid, ‘You’re not wanted here and you’re not coming here. Scatter your anchor rocks someplace else.'”

Trump felt that he had to step up because the other candidates, who are only millionaires, did not have the clout to deal with celestial big shots. “When you have astronomical wealth, you can handle astronomical issues. I have so much money, I could have had our planet towed to safety in another solar system, and still had ten billion dollars left over!  That’s how freaking rich I am! It blows my own mind!”

Trump added, “Speaking of heavenly bodies, how about that Megan Kelly, huh? Too bad she’s a ‘rag queen’! See what I did there? When you’re as rich as I am, you get the best hotels, best jokes, best everything!”

Informed by reporters that NASA has stated that there never was an actual threat of an asteroid striking the Earth this September, Trump replied, “Let NASA peddle its cosmic mumbo-jumbo elsewhere. I don’t deal in facts. Facts are for losers! I ignore more facts in one day than most politicians will in a lifetime! I don’t want facts! I want America to be great again! That’s a fact! Plus, I am soooo stinking rich!”

Trump is currently the Republican front-runner in all 50 states, including Mexico and that little one that’s kind of stuck onto Maryland.

Why I Hope Trump Is Elected

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  1. If country goes bankrupt, he already knows where to file the papers.
  2. “Mount Rushmore of Stupid Presidents” needs someone next to Harding.
  3. He’d buy Greece, turn a failing country into a failing country with a failing Trump Parthenon Casino.
  4. It would help third world countries feel better about their politicians.
  5. The super-rich would finally have a voice in our government.
  6. Washington and Lincoln would probably be happy to roll over in their graves.
  7. I’m so excited about Vice-President Mark Cuban!
  8. He’d get Congress to stop debating economy and climate, focus their energies on hair care!
  9. Victory would mean extra water ration for slaves who work at his hotels.
  10. I’d make millions from my “Dump Trump” merchandise!

My Bucket List, Starting With Looking Like This Picture

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Now that I have reached “a certain age,” I am required by law and Morgan Freeman to compile a bucket list of things I would like to accomplish before I (may-or-may-not) ‘take this to the next level,’ so to speak. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and here are the things I would like to do in the 70 or so years I have left:

  • Win Nobel Prize for something. Doesn’t have to be flashy. Would settle for Nobel Prize in Oral Hygiene.
  • Host the Academy Awards. (And I’m not talking about those lame technical awards that nobody cares about. If Meryl Streep isn’t there, neither am I.)
  • Pitch perfect game in Game 7 of the World Series. Also hit walk-off homer. Kiss Bob Costas.
  • Be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” or Sports Illustrated “Sportsman of the Year.” (Fallback award: AARP magazine’s “Cutest Prostate.”)
  • Become Liam Neeson. (Do I really need to explain?)
  • Develop drugs that will destroy cancer, ebola, Donald Trump, and “The View.” (Not necessarily in that order.)
  • Get control of the weather, so that I can make it rain every time ISIS holds their company picnic.
  • Find magic lamp. Get three wishes from genie. First wish: a zillion more wishes. Second wish: another zillion more wishes. Third wish: free HBO.
  • Invent time machine. Go back in time to prevent wars, religious persecutions, and all sequels to Rocky.
  • Learn to speak Spanish, so I can beg Mexico to take Arizona and Texas back.
  • Find out if I can keep my phone plan in the afterlife.