Cleveland, OH — Anonymous sources inside both the Cleveland and Golden State locker rooms have confirmed that LeBron James has instructed his agent to go to any lengths to get the Cavs superstar a deal with the Warriors before game 3 of the NBA Finals in Cleveland on Wednesday night.
James was overheard speaking angrily to his agent after the Warriors crushed the Cavaliers in game 2 Sunday night, leaving the Cavs in an 0-2 hole.
“Just get me on the Dubs!” James was heard to say. “I’ll take a cut in pay. Hell, I’ll pay them! I’ll let Draymond kick me in my damn crotch! Just get me a deal before Wednesday. I need more rings to secure my legacy. I ain’t going down again with this punkbitch ship!”
James was reportedly quite upset with the performance of his teammates, including Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love. Both of those players missed last year’s finals against Golden State due to injuries. Having them healthy this year was supposed to make the Cavs competitive with the defending champs. But it hasn’t turned out that way.
“Hell, I won two games last year by my damn-ass self!” James ranted. “If I can’t join the Warriors, then I might as well play them one-on-five. Can’t get no worse!”
Love left Sunday night’s game with a possible concussion. The league office reiterated that Love did not display any unusual symptoms during halftime, other than repeatedly telling the same ‘knock-knock’ joke in the voice of a little girl.
When asked about the James rumors, Cavs forward J.R. Smith said, “Bron do what he do, man. I just know I got to play better, if I want to get interviewed by Doris Burke. Man, that woman is the donut AND the sprinkles. You got any weed?”