Nation Shocked By Players Pointing Fingers, Exchanging Words During NFL Game

images-3

AP — NFL viewers sat in stunned disbelief last night as they watched players pointing at each other and exchanging words during the Patriots – Texans game featured on NBC’s “Sunday Night Football.”

“It saddens me — and really, ALL of us,” said NBC announcer Al Michaels, “to see two teams of men, who are trying their best to dismember each other, using rude gestures and hurtful words.” Added fellow commentator Cris Collinsworth, “If I could switch over to ‘Masterpiece Classic’ right now, Al, I would.”

Patriots QB Tom Brady was unapologetic. “Yes, I did point at them,” he admitted. “And I don’t regret it at all. The Texans weren’t being very nice. One of them even used the D-word” — referring either to the Deflategate  scandal or Brady’s less-well-known dandruff issues.

Texans star J.J. Watt, who was involved in an altercation with Patriots receiver Danny Amendola that actually led to shoves, refused to reveal what Amendola said to him during the dust-up. “Let’s just say that it hurt me more than when I slammed my broken hand into LeGarrette Blount’s kidney,” Watt related.

The NFL acknowledged that this was not the first time that players had said unkind things to each other during a game this season. “We are aware of the problem and are doing everything we can to address it,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said. “Rest assured, our primary focus is always to protect the feelings of our players. There’s no reason you can’t dislocate someone’s shoulder and remain respectful about it.”

NBC announced that, in the future, it would make every effort to show only the physical violence of the games, plus some hot cheerleaders.

 

Advertisements

“Is That A Drumstick in Thy Pocket…”

images

Ten reasons why the Pilgrims ate turkey at Thanksgiving (even though they probably didn’t):

  1. Chick-Fil-A closed for the holiday
  2. Doctors told them to cut back on red meat and cholera
  3. Excitement of “skunk burger Thursday” had quickly worn off
  4. That’s what Jesus ordered at the Last Supper
  5. Attempt to pluck porcupine left several dead
  6. It was either the turkey or that guy who still had a little meat on him
  7. Easiest game bird to club with a musket
  8. Saving the roast beef for witch trial tailgate
  9. Wanted to introduce Native Americans to salmonella
  10. Couldn’t fit the moose in the oven

Pros/Cons of Carrying a Gun

images-1

PROS:

  • Kid at Chipotle less likely to skimp on your guac
  • Sometimes it’s too much bother to go get the hammer
  • Plugging a bad driver way more satisfying than flipping him off
  • Black holster has slimming effect
  • Potential mass murderer/terrorist bound to blink before gunning you down

CONS:

  • Every time you draw it, half the crap falls out of your purse
  • You always wish your penis was that powerful and could be displayed in restaurants and stores
  • Might shoot yourself in the ass during yoga class
  • Tiresome to keep defending your rep by killing younger gunslingers
  • Slacks constantly ruined by grease from assault rifle

God “Kind of Bummed” About All the Hate and Slaughter

Unknown

Jerusalem — In a revealing interview with newsman and serial-interrupter Charlie Rose, the Supreme Being admitted to having regrets about the three major religions He created. “Yeah, I’m kind of bummed,” He admitted. “I mean, I started Judaism, Christianity, and Islam because I wanted to do some good here on Earth, and basically they’ve all three come back to bite Me on My Omnipotent Ass. Not that” —

“So,” Rose interrupted, “You’re saying that the massacres of the Old Testament, the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the slaughters of the Arab conquest, of Tamurlane, the Thirty Years War, the Sunni-Shia conflict, the burning of witches and heretics, Mel Gibson — that’s all on You.”

“Well, maybe not that last one, but” —

“The Troubles in Ireland,” Rose continued, “the ethnic cleansing in the Balkans, the Holocaust, the atrocities in Lebanon, the terrorist bombings, the pogroms, the slavery condoned by the Bible, the persecution of homosexuals on religious grounds, the sexual predations of the clergy, the appalling number of men, women, and children killed and captured in Your Name, the Left Behind movies — all Your Responsibility.”

“Well, maybe not that last thing, but” —

“Tell us,” Rose interjected. “Tell us what it is that You’d be saying to the people You created, if I weren’t constantly interrupting to show that I know what You’re saying as well or better than You do.”

“Can I really talk?” God asked.

“Of course,” Rose replied. “That’s why I’m here, to listen to what You have to say and then tell You what You said in a way that says it even more cogently than it could be said by a Supreme Being or even a highly-acclaimed scientist or film director. Go on.”

God sighed. “Basically, I think I just effed up with this whole religion thing. I meant it for good, and sometimes it does work that way, but…in My Wildest Omniscience, I never thought it would end up like this. All the fighting, all the hate. And that’s on Me. As I made Harry Truman say, ‘The buck stops here.’ Just don’t blame me for Mel Gibson. Or Ted Cruz. Or”–

“Donald Trump?” Rose interrupted.

God wept. “Man, I got a lot of explaining to do.”

High School Sports Fill Desperate Need

images

Recently I have read some posts that question the emphasis placed on sports in American high schools. Some have even suggested that we eliminate organized sports in high schools altogether. Here are the reasons why that would be a major mistake:

  • Dethronement of jocks would result in massive high school “bully void.”
  • Adults would miss chance to relive “glory days” by hurling abuse at referees and teenage athletes.
  • Nearly impossible for marching band to form snowman while playing “Frozen” medley at PTO meeting.
  • Hard for Warren High to show school pride without “Pantherettes” performing sleazy dance routine.
  • Ingesting unknown drug cocktail, requiring emergency medical attention a time-honored tradition of “Friday night lights.”
  • College coaches forced to juggle funds already budgeted for illegal payments to recruits.
  • Lack of pep rallies means teachers must feign interest for additional class periods.
  • Students no longer sure about which other schools to hate.
  • Accustomed to say, “Morning, Coach,” high school principal would need to learn real name of that guy who teaches gym.
  • High school students already woefully unprepared for the rigors of college tailgating.

Why I Hope Trump Is Elected

images

  1. If country goes bankrupt, he already knows where to file the papers.
  2. “Mount Rushmore of Stupid Presidents” needs someone next to Harding.
  3. He’d buy Greece, turn a failing country into a failing country with a failing Trump Parthenon Casino.
  4. It would help third world countries feel better about their politicians.
  5. The super-rich would finally have a voice in our government.
  6. Washington and Lincoln would probably be happy to roll over in their graves.
  7. I’m so excited about Vice-President Mark Cuban!
  8. He’d get Congress to stop debating economy and climate, focus their energies on hair care!
  9. Victory would mean extra water ration for slaves who work at his hotels.
  10. I’d make millions from my “Dump Trump” merchandise!

10 Reasons You Are Not Having As Much Sex As You’d Like

images

1. You are married.

2. You are not married.

3. You are a patient in an ICU with a strict “no sex” policy.

4. You have broken up with your cellmate.

5. You aren’t attracted to anyone in your space capsule.

6. You don’t get out of the cloister much.

7. You are a man.

8. You are so obnoxious, you are lucky to be having sex at all.

9. You are saving yourself for Channing Tatum/Sofia Vergara/both.

10. You spend all of your time at the computer, reading stuff like this.

My Bucket List, Starting With Looking Like This Picture

Unknown

Now that I have reached “a certain age,” I am required by law and Morgan Freeman to compile a bucket list of things I would like to accomplish before I (may-or-may-not) ‘take this to the next level,’ so to speak. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and here are the things I would like to do in the 70 or so years I have left:

  • Win Nobel Prize for something. Doesn’t have to be flashy. Would settle for Nobel Prize in Oral Hygiene.
  • Host the Academy Awards. (And I’m not talking about those lame technical awards that nobody cares about. If Meryl Streep isn’t there, neither am I.)
  • Pitch perfect game in Game 7 of the World Series. Also hit walk-off homer. Kiss Bob Costas.
  • Be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” or Sports Illustrated “Sportsman of the Year.” (Fallback award: AARP magazine’s “Cutest Prostate.”)
  • Become Liam Neeson. (Do I really need to explain?)
  • Develop drugs that will destroy cancer, ebola, Donald Trump, and “The View.” (Not necessarily in that order.)
  • Get control of the weather, so that I can make it rain every time ISIS holds their company picnic.
  • Find magic lamp. Get three wishes from genie. First wish: a zillion more wishes. Second wish: another zillion more wishes. Third wish: free HBO.
  • Invent time machine. Go back in time to prevent wars, religious persecutions, and all sequels to Rocky.
  • Learn to speak Spanish, so I can beg Mexico to take Arizona and Texas back.
  • Find out if I can keep my phone plan in the afterlife.

Best Places To See Fireworks on July 4th

images

1. Downtown

2. At some park, but it could be buggy. Also, the people next to you could smell funny.

3. Where there is a sign that says “Fireworks tonight.” Make sure it is not an old sign.

4. On PBS, but you might have to listen to Big Bird singing “Ol’ Man River.”

5. In a romantic comedy, when the two leads finally are having sex.

6. At a baseball stadium — but you would have to watch baseball first, so…

7. At that house in your neighborhood where the guy missing two fingers and an eye always shoots them off

8. Just above the trees, where you can only sort of see them

9. During a political discussion on TV. (These are actually more verbal than visual fireworks, although sometimes you can see sparks shooting out of Ann Coulter’s head.)

10. England. But you have to wait until November. And go to England.

Pope Says Vatican “Getting Its Excrementum Together” On Environment

Pope Francis

Vatican City — In conjunction with his newly-released encyclical addressing climate change, Pope Francis I today announced plans to make Vatican City and the papacy more environmentally friendly. Here are some of the changes already being implemented by the Holy See:

  • Instead of traveling by private jet, His Holiness will now be transported by flights of angels, provided the first bag is still free.
  • All evidence of sexual abuse by clergy will be immediately composted after shredding.
  • Dome of St. Peter’s to be topped by 200-foot windmill with blades featuring St. Peter, St. Paul, and Argentine soccer star Lionel Messi.
  • Cassocks and robes, which required frequent dry-cleaning, will be replaced by new line of washable Under Armour “Power Priest Gear.”
  • Strobes in Cardinals disco will be 100% LED.
  • To conserve water, all Vatican holy water fonts will be drained and filled with molecules of sacred air.
  • Vatican gift shops will now sell only relics manufactured by local forgers.
  • No more plastic bags at the Vatican 7-Eleven.
  • Swiss Guards to replace helmets and halberds with environmentally-friendly straw hats and bamboo poles.
  • Ceiling of Sistine Chapel will become bat sanctuary.