Notre Dame, IN — Embarrassed by the anti-immigrant remarks of former Irish coach Lou Holtz, the University of Notre Dame today announced that it will be re-locating Holtz’s statue. That bronze tribute, currently located outside Notre Dame Stadium, will be moved to a place “less public and more bitter, until Coach Holtz has time to reflect on his comments and get his medication adjusted.”
Holtz, who led the Fighting Irish to their last national title in 1988, recently told a Republican crowd that he was worried that an immigrant “invasion” might force him to celebrate strange, foreign holidays in addition to our native celebrations, such as Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day. The former coach also stated that we must be careful not to admit terrorists, unless they have good hands and run a 4.3 in the forty.
As for the statue, it will be placed in the university maintenance shed that houses other less-laudable relics of Notre Dame football, including George Gipp’s gambling debts and the imaginary coaching skills of Charlie Weis.
Garden City, IA — In a Labor Day campaign appearance, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump attacked the Walt Disney Company for repeatedly giving plum cartoon roles to foreigners. “It’s a pattern,” Trump said. “And a crime. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella — all not Americans. That frigid princess, the hot harem chick, that chick in the clam bikini — more not Americans.”
And the problem is not just with the starring female roles. “Are you telling me Yogi couldn’t have played that bear in The Jungle Book? And what about The Lion King? Garfield would have been perfect for that farting pig.”
But didn’t Disney animate Native Americans in Pocahontas? “Irrelevant,” Trump replied. “I’m talking about movie jobs for real cartoon Americans, not those who just happened to be living in this great country when the European Americans arrived. For cryin’ out loud, those native characters didn’t even know they were living in America!”
Trump stated that, if he is elected, he will order the INS to begin an investigation of all Disney animated characters. “It wouldn’t surprise me if the entire cast of The Emperor’s New Groove was in this country illegally,” Trump said.
Somewhere in the hearts of America — Donald Trump revealed today that it was his tough stance on celestial immigration that turned away an asteroid that would have struck the earth this September, taking American jobs and causing widespread chaos and destruction on a par with his campaign for the Republican nomination.
“I don’t mince words,” Trump declared. “I don’t pussyfoot and mealy-mouth around like politicians with less money and hair. I told that asteroid, ‘You’re not wanted here and you’re not coming here. Scatter your anchor rocks someplace else.'”
Trump felt that he had to step up because the other candidates, who are only millionaires, did not have the clout to deal with celestial big shots. “When you have astronomical wealth, you can handle astronomical issues. I have so much money, I could have had our planet towed to safety in another solar system, and still had ten billion dollars left over! That’s how freaking rich I am! It blows my own mind!”
Trump added, “Speaking of heavenly bodies, how about that Megan Kelly, huh? Too bad she’s a ‘rag queen’! See what I did there? When you’re as rich as I am, you get the best hotels, best jokes, best everything!”
Informed by reporters that NASA has stated that there never was an actual threat of an asteroid striking the Earth this September, Trump replied, “Let NASA peddle its cosmic mumbo-jumbo elsewhere. I don’t deal in facts. Facts are for losers! I ignore more facts in one day than most politicians will in a lifetime! I don’t want facts! I want America to be great again! That’s a fact! Plus, I am soooo stinking rich!”
Trump is currently the Republican front-runner in all 50 states, including Mexico and that little one that’s kind of stuck onto Maryland.