Kentucky Clerk Refuses Marriage Licenses to Louisville Fans


Frog Holler, KY — Bumpton County clerk Gwen Sklunk announced today that she would continue to refuse marriage licenses to University of Louisville fans, in defiance of the Supreme Court ruling making it illegal to discriminate on the basis of favorite college team. Sklunk, a life-long University of Kentucky fan, claims that she is acting “on the authority of God and Adolph Rupp, who sits at His right hand.”

“Louisville fans are an abomination unto the Lord,” Sklunk continued. “It’s all right there in the Bible. If Rick Pitino ain’t the Anti-Christ of Revelations, I don’t know who is. Except maybe Christian Laettner. He’s got a lot of nerve calling himself that. Come the Rapture, he’ll get cast down to hell with them other Duke devils.”

Asked why, if she follows God’s word so strictly, she does not abstain from pork, which is proscribed in the Bible, Sklunk replied, “God don’t want us not to eat pork. He just said that to keep the Jews out of Cracker Barrel.”

Although currently Sklunk is only discriminating against Louisville fans, she says she hopes “real soon” to get God’s authority to shun Indiana University fans, who “clearly bear the mark of Cain.”