Notre Dame, IN — Embarrassed by the anti-immigrant remarks of former Irish coach Lou Holtz, the University of Notre Dame today announced that it will be re-locating Holtz’s statue. That bronze tribute, currently located outside Notre Dame Stadium, will be moved to a place “less public and more bitter, until Coach Holtz has time to reflect on his comments and get his medication adjusted.”
Holtz, who led the Fighting Irish to their last national title in 1988, recently told a Republican crowd that he was worried that an immigrant “invasion” might force him to celebrate strange, foreign holidays in addition to our native celebrations, such as Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day. The former coach also stated that we must be careful not to admit terrorists, unless they have good hands and run a 4.3 in the forty.
As for the statue, it will be placed in the university maintenance shed that houses other less-laudable relics of Notre Dame football, including George Gipp’s gambling debts and the imaginary coaching skills of Charlie Weis.
Bristol, CT — Long-time ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz announced today that he is leaving the network to take a coaching position at the Vatican. Holtz will become the first head coach of the fledgeling football program at Vatican University, a school for Catholic priests and seminarians.
“I know this will be a challenge,” Holtz said. “Most of our current players couldn’t even start for Kansas. But, if you’re looking for miracles, what better place to look than the Vatican? And speaking of miracles — don’t forget, I took William and Mary to a bowl game and survived Mark May.”
Holtz said his first order of business will be to get the Pope to change the definition of “seminarian” from “one who aspires to the priesthood” to “an ass-kicking dude who runs a 4.4 forty and aspires to the NFL.” Also, “We have to do something about our cheerleaders; those nuns need to show some skin.”
Despite seemingly insurmountable obstacles — Vatican U. plays all of its home games inside St. Peter’s basilica, where the games are frequently interrupted by Masses and meetings of the Cardinals Ballroom Dance Club — Holtz is confident that the Fighting Penitents can compete for an NCAA championship within three years. ‘We just need to get a favorable schedule,” Holtz said. “I’ve already contacted Navy and Kent State.”
Asked if he would ever schedule Notre Dame, Holtz said, “No, no, even His Holiness wouldn’t dare root against the Irish.”