Cape Canaveral, FL — NASA head Maj. Gen. Charles Borden announced today that the space agency will “pay any price, bear any burden” to put Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Mars by the end of next week.
“We don’t have all the details worked out yet,” Borden said. “But, basically, we’re going to get the biggest big-ass rocket we can find on Ebay, point it at Mars, and blast Trump into space.” NASA, funding for which has been severely reduced in recent years, has already launched a Kickstarter to fund the project.
NASA had planned to put a man on Mars sometime around 2030, but “It’s become increasingly obvious,” Borden stated, “that the next step in advancing the course of civilization is to get Trump the hell off this planet.”
In response, Trump tweeted: “That rocket had better be huge. Huuuge. Like my hands, which can hold ten or twenty penises at one time.”
In a related story, NASA announced that Mars, formerly known as “the Red Planet,” will now be called, “That Giant Orange Hairball.”
Somewhere in the hearts of America — Donald Trump revealed today that it was his tough stance on celestial immigration that turned away an asteroid that would have struck the earth this September, taking American jobs and causing widespread chaos and destruction on a par with his campaign for the Republican nomination.
“I don’t mince words,” Trump declared. “I don’t pussyfoot and mealy-mouth around like politicians with less money and hair. I told that asteroid, ‘You’re not wanted here and you’re not coming here. Scatter your anchor rocks someplace else.'”
Trump felt that he had to step up because the other candidates, who are only millionaires, did not have the clout to deal with celestial big shots. “When you have astronomical wealth, you can handle astronomical issues. I have so much money, I could have had our planet towed to safety in another solar system, and still had ten billion dollars left over! That’s how freaking rich I am! It blows my own mind!”
Trump added, “Speaking of heavenly bodies, how about that Megan Kelly, huh? Too bad she’s a ‘rag queen’! See what I did there? When you’re as rich as I am, you get the best hotels, best jokes, best everything!”
Informed by reporters that NASA has stated that there never was an actual threat of an asteroid striking the Earth this September, Trump replied, “Let NASA peddle its cosmic mumbo-jumbo elsewhere. I don’t deal in facts. Facts are for losers! I ignore more facts in one day than most politicians will in a lifetime! I don’t want facts! I want America to be great again! That’s a fact! Plus, I am soooo stinking rich!”
Trump is currently the Republican front-runner in all 50 states, including Mexico and that little one that’s kind of stuck onto Maryland.