Notre Dame To Move Holtz Statue To Someplace Bitter

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Notre Dame, IN — Embarrassed by the anti-immigrant remarks of former Irish coach Lou Holtz, the University of Notre Dame today announced that it will be re-locating Holtz’s statue. That bronze tribute, currently located outside Notre Dame Stadium, will be moved to a place “less public and more bitter, until Coach Holtz has time to reflect on his comments and get his medication adjusted.”

Holtz, who led the Fighting Irish to their last national title in 1988, recently told a Republican crowd that he was worried that an immigrant “invasion” might force him to celebrate strange, foreign holidays in addition to our native celebrations, such as Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day.  The former coach also stated that we must be careful not to admit terrorists, unless they have good hands and run a 4.3 in the forty.

As for the statue, it will be placed in the university maintenance shed that houses other less-laudable relics of Notre Dame football, including George Gipp’s gambling debts and the imaginary coaching skills of Charlie Weis.

 

Brian Williams, You Lying Bastard!

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A brief but thoroughly spurious investigation by this website has revealed that NBC news anchor Brian Williams — currently suspended for “embellishing” a news story — has actually been lying for his entire life. Here are just a few examples of his habitual mendacity:

In 1964, 5-year old Brian told his mother Dorothy that he did not need to pee before he got in the car for the 30-minute drive to his aunt’s house. In fact, he did have to pee, and his mother was barely able to find a gas station before Brian had an ‘accident’. A liar is born!

In a school playground incident two years later, Williams stated that his father, Gordon Lewis Williams, was “the smartest dad in the whole country.” In fact, Williams had already seen his father miss several Jeopardy questions. He’ll select ‘Another Lie’ for $200, Alex!

Then there is this: In 7th grade, Williams told Mary Jo Robinson that he liked her. In truth, he actually liked Angela Delgado and even slow-danced with her at Jan Shnabel’s party, which made Mary Jo cry. Later, Williams told best friend Timmy Farwick that he had caught a glimpse of Delgado’s bra while dancing. Reliable sources, however, confirmed that Delgado was wearing a crew-neck sweater that evening, so there was no way Williams snuck a peek down her blouse. Lies! All lies!

During a gym class at Mater Dei High School in Middletown, NJ, Williams stayed alive in ‘dodgeball’ when a thrown ball clearly missed him by three feet. And yet, in fifth period journalism class, he claimed that he had nearly had his head taken off by the rocketing sphere. Dodging the truth, perhaps?

At about the same time, Williams, while making an act of confession, told the priest that he had impure thoughts “about 12 times.” In fact, it was at least 15-20 times. More like 15-20 times an hour, Mr. Pants-On-Fire!

Years later, while in South Bend, IN, to deliver the commencement address at the University of Notre Dame, Williams told Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins that he (Williams) “had always rooted for the Fighting Irish.” The truth? Williams, like millions of ND fans, had begun rooting against ND in 2009 in the hope that more losses would lead to the firing of lunkhead Coach Charlie Weis. Wake up the echoes lying your ass off, Brian!

Finally, in 2014, Williams told reporters that he thought “everyone in Peter Pan Live did a magnificent job.” An eyewitness, however, reported that Williams had tasered star Christopher Walken during the broadcast, causing the actor to return to the realm of the living for one entire scene. I won’t fess up! I won’t fess up!

Brian, Brian, Brian, you magnificent lying bastard!